Southern Ontario, center of political, economic and cultural life in Canada. NeoBerlin, aka the twin cities of KitchenerWaterloo, the present day urban out-growth of what originally began as French invasions into the territories of the Huron, Petuns, Neutrals, and the Iroquoian Confederacy in 1634. Through decades of bloody warfare and disease epidemics, this chunk of land eventually ended up in the hands of the British Empire, who repopulated it with immigrants from England, Scotland, Ireland, and Loyalists from America. Later still came Africans fleeing slavery in America and immigrants from Europe and Asia. And later still this bizarre experiment, based on British and French aristocrats’ thirst for money through fur, and made possible through genocide and slavery, mutated into the place 300,000 people call home today.
Once called Berlin, it s name changed during WWII when it became violently unpopular to be German. Angry mobs used to beat German immigrants and burn down their businesses. Was then renamed Kitchener, after Lord Horatio Herbert Kitchener aka “Kitchener of Khartoum”, a British military commander who led the brutal invasion of Sudan, crushing an Islamic Sufi sect of mystics/freedom fighters known as the Whirling Dervishes, named for the ritual dancing they used to attain higher states of consciousness. In the early Nineties a hippierock band, once KitchenerWaterloo’s most famous local musicians (with the exception, naturally, of Helix) would name themselves the Whirling Dervishes.
Much earlier than that, eight years after Lord Kitchener drowned when a cruiser he was aboard struck a German mine while sailing to Russia, Aldwyn Roberts was born in the small village of Arima, St.George, Trinidad. Aldwyn Roberts grew up to be one of the world’s most famous calypsonians. He went by the name Lord Kitchener – keeping in the calypso tradition of naming oneself after a fierce ruler or general, in the vein of ChaingKiShek, Attila the Hun and The Black Stalin. Lord Kitchener’s most famous song was called Sugar Bum Bum. It’s basically about a girl named Audrey who has such a nice ass it threatens his very grip on sanity. It goes:
Audrey…where d you get dat suga?
Honey…there is nothing sweeta.
You make me scream…
You make me ball…
You make me feel…
Like ten feet tall…
Sugar bum bum bum…
But let me tell you a few other things about NeoBerlin. In the Twenty-first century, NeoBerlin finds itself like many Southern Ontario locales: stuck in that awkward position between a small town and a big city. Small town reality: donut shops, plaid jackets, mullets, boredom, xenophobia, a place where cops don’t use their guns and it’s hard to get an abortion. Big city reality: multiculturalism, projects, crack houses, gangs, squeegee kids, hiphop, graffiti. It is both a whitebread university town of dot-commers, soccer moms and frat boys, and at the same time a grimy blue collar city complete with motor cycle gangs, Jamaican rude boys and Vietnamese mafia.
Let me try and explain NeoBerlin from some different angles. NeoBerlin was the home of famous Canadian landscape painter Homer Watson. He lived here in a large stone house built in the Scottish Gothic style in 1834. He used this house now a public museum as a place where he could gather likeminded associates together and engage in occult practices during which Watson allegedly communicated with his deceased wife Rosanna from beyond the grave. One of the regular attendants of these occult sessions was none other than then Prime Minister of Canada, W.L. Mackenzie King, originally from Kitchener himself.
Kitchener is also the home of that worldfamous artifact the crystal skull, sometimes called the skull of doom. Watch u know about the crystal skull??? The crystal skull sits in a silklined coffer box in a bungalow on Glen Avon Crescent. The owner, Anna MitchellHedges, claims to have found it on her seventeenth birthday in 1924 on a expedition through the remote jungle of Lubaantun in British Honduras, now Belize. If you have already made a connection to the classic 1987 horror/comedy House II: The Second Story starring Arye Gross, good for you. Psychics, occultists and researchers from all over the world travel to Kitchener to check this thing. This lady just chills with it in her house all day getting interviewed by curious newspapers every once in a while.
Remember when that crazy dude Timothy McViegh blew up that federal building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995 killing 162 people? In the subsequent court trial the prosecution revealed that he was a member of a Christian Identity commune in rural Oklahoma called Elohiem City. Christian Identity is a fringe religious movement that teaches that the white race are the lost tribe of Israel and all nonwhites are the satanic spawn of Cain. Do you know who was the founder and leader of this commune out in the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma? A dude from Kitchener. No lie. Oh shit, now we’ve stumbled into NeoBerlin’s shady association with the Nazi past. Well, it was originally a German town. After WWII, the tattered remains of the German Nazi Party had a global, covert operation to relocate Nazi war criminals all over the world so they could avoid prosecution for war crimes. And where was this operation based? Yep, Kitchener. Not surprisingly, every once in a while Jewish groups find another geriatric exNazi hiding out in a luxurious retirement home in Kitchener. And throughout the Eighties and Nineties, Kitchener has been a hot spot for neoNazi organizing.
By the way, KitchenerWaterloo is the Tim Horton’s capital of Canada. That means there are more Tim Horton donut outlet’s here per capita than anywhere else in Canada. I would like you to think about that.