Deathmatch 2011 – Round 3

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/21

…what’s with this, i put you up to 61.01, step out of the house for a few hours, and griff’s back down again…someone is sleeping at the switch at BP tonight?…or are they wating for dani to show up…i cranked it up to 61% again, for show …anybody got hal’s home phone number?…its only 1:30 am in Ontario…another first for the Dearthmatch…after computer glitches force us to end on monday nights…now the third round is inexplicably delayed…frustrating, eh?…Tuff beans ; )

MarMarTuff – 2011/02/21

So yeah I’m waiting here for the next round to start all pumped up worked it all out and the zero hour has come and gone and yes there will be blood splattered blood all over the computer screen. Bring it, Ross.

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/21

Thanks for the votes, y’all.  I owe you a beer, but you have to come find me first.

A few hours until two new gladiators step into the octagon, and I fucking hope it’s more interesting than this round, but that’s almost a given.

Thanks for picking my story, BP.  Now I just have to figure out a way to convince people that this contest is actually some measure of talent, not just a spam-vote popularity war.

Maybe I’ll just lie…

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/21

…wait a second…i just voted for Griff…and I noticed after his lead went up .2 percentage points…it went down .2 a few minutes later…that means someone idiot here is voting for dani…do you like wasting your time?..what exactly are you trying to accomplish, succincubus?

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/21

succincubus

Ha… I was kidding.  My mother told me never to make friends with weirdos on Deathmatch comment boards.

And yes… clicking my way to a repetitive strain injury.

succincubus – 2011/02/21

DGB: Oh yeah, ‘scuse my laziness. My eyes go woggly with minimal punctuation and no indents.

I guess I figured, if you’re gonna go anonymous, go all the way. Name ambiguity, gender ambiguity, the whole works.

Are we friends? Hm. Are you here to make friends? You seem pretty friendly for someone in a Death Match.

I’m not here to make friends. Or enemies. Or frenemies. I just want the next round to be less flacid than this one. But that’s not your fault. At least you’re here, doing your time. Are you exhausted with voting for yourself yet, or are you riding out that easy lead?

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/21

succincubus

Scroll down a bit further.  Succubus was already covered, but I was hoping for double meaning.

And yes, you should be flattered.  Does this make us friends?

Sorry I accused you of masculinity.  I’m sure the third gender is more appropriate, given your demonic concoction.

succincubus – 2011/02/21

I pretty much abandoned the board after making several attempts to incite people and gettin’ nuthin’. Glad to see there have been a few other visitors over the weekend. But the DM ends in about 12 hours, and it looks like only one side has come to fight. Again, boo.

And hm, I don’t know if I should be — flattered? Weirded out? That the discussion got so boring two of you had a mini discussion about my username.

Good guess, DGB, on the “succinct” part.

But does anybody know what the female counterpart to an incubus is? Wikipedia it. Think about it.

So are you just assuming I’m a guy because of the “incubus” part? Or because I’m kind of an ass?

Just curious.  Thanks for thinking of me.

-succincubus

Dani Grammersdorf – 2011/02/21

Hi again,

Dang, my new login won’t work now either.  I swear it’s still me.  I just wanted to add, in case my first novel attempt is as sad and pathetic as my story, that I’ve started a home-based cake decorating business with funny new captions, like “Ha Ha, your Grandma’s dead,”  “I just ran over your cat” and “Sorry about your late onset diabetes.”  I also want to congratulate the ultimate winner, I’m not worthy to lick the dirt from your shoes, and to thank the Academy.  I won’t be commenting again though, part of a silent protest I’m conducting.  Forget about the rights of the unborn, I’m holding a sit-in against my government’s unreasonable tariffs on Canadian lumber, the protracted pre-trial detention of prisoners at Guatanamo, and also to express my contempt for the new $5.00 border surcharge we are imposing on visitors from Canada entering the U.S.  I think it should be $100.  Inshallah.

Dani

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/20

…not only your narrator, but your whole showing here, pathetic and sad…a little late for the party, but maybe you can help us clean up ; )

Dani M. Grammerstorf – 2011/02/20

Hello hello,

Thanks to everyone who offered helpful feedback.  I didn’t realize that my narrator was so unlikeable.  She’s meant to be sort of pathetic and sad, but I don’t want her to be totally unsympathetic, obviously.  That’s certainly a problem and I’ll work on it.

Thanks for reading and voting, all!
-Dani
PS My other login stopped working so I had to create a new one…I swear I’m the same person

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/20

Tommy

Thanks!  Just the kind of feedback I was hoping for.  I will definitely axe Amanda.. maybe not the mention of a prior abortive experience, but the name drop for sure.  As for the decision to go off bc, I think I could restore a bit more characterization for Lily that I cut to bring the story closer to the minimum word count.  I’m new to the Deathmatch thing, but I was banking on the Broken Pencil crowd havng a short attention span… just like me!  So yeah… I thank you, and the crazed labradoodle thanks you.  The parrot, however, is in my past.

Tommy – 2011/02/20

Dani, can you hear me? Did the last round scare you? Not to worry, it’s almost over. Writers should participate in the Deathmatch, to some extent. Would I want to rewrite a section of my opponent’s story? Hell no, that’s a game for kids. Vonnegut said, “Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.” I didn’t find one in your story. I did however like the voice of the narrator. Good pace to story. Attitudes and behaviors towards procedure not believable, as was the wait time to get an appointment. Poor word choices – abortionated, batshit crazy (overused), and over-gesticulated (nails?). Muppet reference, yuck! I could do without the passage where Jill calls brother, doesn’t add anything new and slows story down. Best line: Raymond was shy and wasn’t used to getting all this attention. (in reference to the toilet, hmmm.) David, hi. I like the male perspective on the subject. I don’t think there are enough stories, fiction or otherwise on abortion. “She didn’t need to convince…” – good character reveal early on. The first line is a hook, but I don’t think Lily would say “kill” in reference to terminating pregnancy. Drop the “Amanda” bit as the reader holds onto it throughout waiting for a return which doesn’t occur. So they don’t like the pill or condoms, who does? Twenty-something women are terrified of getting pregnant so I don’t know if I buy “..it’s risky, but I want to try.” line. Last page, paragraph “Love is a socially constructed…, pleasure and pain.” – cheeseball to me, please remove. Best line: “…taming parrots and doing battle with crazed labradoodles.” Or “The caged canary behind the desk at odds with the antiseptic smell.”

Braydon Beaulieu – 2011/02/20

backinthesaddle, I’m with you 100% on this one. Dani‘s absence from the comment board isn’t exactly representative of being a good sport. At first, I thought she might’ve been holding out for the right moments to comment, but we’re on day six and all we’ve seen from her is “Happy Deathmatch to you too, David!” My vote was already going to David, because I found his language to be much more evocative and his characters to be much more engaging, but if I hadn’t already been voting, it would go to him now because he seems to want it so much more.

As for the stories, I think the dialogue in A Cake For Any Occasion is stronger than that in Brink, but other than that, I’m not really feeling it. As for the latter story, the Best Opening Line of the Year Award goes to…

I’d really like to see Dani on the discussion board for the next day and a half. Right now, this round reminds me of that scene from Troy when Paris challenges Menelaus, gets the crap kicked out of him, and scurries back to Hector for protection. Except no one seems to be running David through with a broadsword yet.

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/19

Extropianism, also referred to as the philosophy of “Extropy”, is an evolving framework of values and standards for continuously improving the human condition…heyyyy, now there’s a commenter anybody would want to banter with…it’s all about that positive energy, something those trolls are sadly lacking…i’m not so sure it has anything to do with the subject nature of the stories…it’s about a complete and total lack of participation by one party and her “team”…dani is a dud…a dud with no friends…a dud with no friends and a somewhat irritating protagonist…griff on the otherhand is engaging and likeable, or…at least he can fake it, as well as any dude with an earring…he plays the game, a fitting representative from the city of champions, for a raving post butterdome/glory days kid…waiting with baited breath for Tommy’s insightful comments…perhaps…give up on dani…help us reach the magic 60-40 split ; )

extropian – 2011/02/19

Seems like a lost cause at this point. But I\’m voting for Dani on this one.

extropian – 2011/02/19

I agree, it seems as though Broken Pencil\’s plan of pitting two abortion stories has been a complete failure in terms of getting an entertaining debate / discussion / debacle started. I read some of the archived comment sections from years past to see what we\’re missing. I now understand where backinthesaddle is coming from. After following this contest for a few year, it must be dissapointing to see the Death Matc denigrate into a friendly, creative writing workshop! Even still though, all that misdirected hostility isn\’t nearly as entertaining as watching two authors insult each other. I remember one author saying they were losing to a journal entry from Ethan Hawke in the early 90\’s, now that\’s a critique! Guess if I made the final cut I\’d want to see a productive discussion / helpful edits, but as a jealous participant, this thing is really starting to bore me. Someone needs to start throwing some chairs…

Tommy – 2011/02/19

The last round was fiery and now…I think the abortion topic this round has kept many away. I read both stories a week ago. Dani’s story read at a good clip. I did find the narrator annoying, but that doesn’t matter. The problem was I didn’t buy the nonchalant celebratory behaviour of both characters. If it came from one and the other was taken aback that might have created some interesting conflict. David’s story wasn’t as smooth and again I found the characters irritating, but I find most twenty somethings annoying so perhaps he hit it on the head. I’ll read them again and perhaps post more insightful comments.

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/19

7newspapers

Earrings on both sides actually.  What can I say, I used to be a raver.

And no not a 70s dance.  The Great Canadian Beer Festival, 2010.  It’s a hefty crowd, and by the time you’re ten or more tokens into the sampling, it can get pretty difficult to find your friends.  Some groups wear coordinated t-shirts.  We cut up my friend’s purple pants in a pinch.  Not the pants she was wearing, of course.

7newspapers – 2011/02/18

Well, while there’s a lull in the action, and there’s just a few of us here, maybe I can squeeze in a few Deathmatch war stories.  2009 was particularly memorable.  Some great talent.  Sherman Tjia got killed off in the first round, having already achieved as much as any Canadian poet can rightfully hope for.  Move over Earl Birney.  He died like a little bitch, full of shame and regret.  Then I stayed up late one night following the ultimately even match between Kathleen Phillips and Grosman.  A 50-50 dead heat at 11:59 pm on the last day and the final minute of voting.  I logged in and cast what must have been the deciding vote.  I honestly thought Grosman’s story was better.  It was lips and arse holes for Phillips after that.  Sometimes I wish I hadn’t done that now.  It’s not easy playing god.  Believe me, I live with that every day of my life now.  What’s an earring in the left ear mean, DGB?.  A distraction from your craggy mug?  It goes with the trendy hip purple tie.  You on your way to a 70’s dance?  Oh noooo, don’t tell me ; )

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/18

backinthesaddle 

Three brothers, three sisters.  Did I mention I’m from Edmonton? Yeah.

And I suspected he was also shooting for ‘succinct incubus’.  Maybe?

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/18

An incubus (from the Latin, incubus, or “nightmare“; plural incubi) is a demon in male form who, according to a number of mythological and legendary traditions, lies upon sleepers, especially women, in order to have sex with them. Its female counterpart is the succubus.  Great, an oddball commenter with a peculiar fascination with sex and porn.  Just the kind of freak everybody wants to banter with…dani’s silence seems to me to some kind of ploy to maintain her self-respect and dignity…weird since she applied to be a part of this shit show…i’d kind of liken it to hal opting to step out of the pod in that reality program after standing on one leg and being forced to listening to babies crying… http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/passionateeyeshowcase/video.html?ID=1801202117 …we want to see more, but it’s the victim’s choice…she’s losing anyway, may as well bow out and fade back into obscurity rather than becoming a public spectacle…dani just doesn’t have the friendship capital to pull it off…probably just another loner writer 8 years out of school who already lost contact with most of her college friends and so falls a step behind in the social networking phenomenon…based on the voting percentages, griff has a bigger family than dorf, she probably only has one sib where griff clearly has at least 3…the only way she can pull it off now is if she makes a belated appeal to patriotism and calls on every American rollerderbyer to hit the streets in a show of force…it’s heartwarming, really…we kicked their asses in 1812 and in every Dearthmatch ever since…in order to head off this off chance, i’d  encourage every bald-headed red-necked 40 something Canadian to go out tonight, buy a 24 pack of crystal pure and distinctive moosehead, find a comfortable chair in front of your compy…you’d have to be a particularly isolated and overly sentimental nerd to call your plastic bucket of wires a “compy”…and let’s get the job done for griff ; )

colorado-hitler – 2011/02/18

Haha! Hello BP! First time commenter, long-time reader. I was also wondering what is up with Dani’s absence in the comments. I actually haven’t read her story and have no inclination to. The comments have single-handedly (multi-handedly?) stopped me from doing so, because I have no patience in story-telling mediums for things that displease me.

Anyway… DGB rules DG drools.

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/18

Scene One

(A yellow-tinted spotlight comes up on a single table, centre stage, with DGB and Backinthesaddle seated on either side, drinking Moosehead.  Backinthesaddle is a washed-up 40-something redneck with a ragged mullet and deeply receded hairline.  DGB looks just as drunk as he is in his Deathmatch bio photo, and is wearing the same makeshift purple tie.  There is the sound offstage of someone doing laps with rollerskates on a cement floor.)

Backinthesaddle:  …how long’s it been now..?

DGB:  Succincubus was here for a second this afternoon, but otherwise, haven’t seen anyone all day.

Backinthesaddle: …it’s creepin me out….

DGB:  Yeah I was looking forward to some vitriol.

Backinthesaddle:  …I gave you some…

DGB:  Off the hip maybe.  I mean like Colin telling Daniel that Expiry Dates was boring, and in the very first comment of the round.   Or when Captain Teela declared that stories must conform to an obvious plot structure.

Backinthesaddle:  …maybe it’s the abortion thing… people feel too awkward to comment…

DGB: Or maybe our stories are just putting them to sleep.  Who knows.

succincubus – 2011/02/18

I keep coming back here hoping there’ll be some really INTERESTING conversation going on.

Mmm… not so much. Ms. Masters’ nitpicky detail questioning is just not doing it for me. And once again, all the comments seem to be one-sided. WHERE are all of Ms. Grammerstorf’s friends? And why are they all so shy?

Maybe Ms. Grammerstorf and her posse are too busy doing real, non-electronic things (like writing for PlayGirl!) to be busied with incessant “Vote for this Story”-clicking and backlashing anonymous literary criticisms.

Which is exactly what I’d be posting if I thought anyone from the opposition was actually going to READ them…

Maybe they’re all just sitting back and waiting for some super-intelligent quip to come along.

Alright fine, I’ve been talking to myself long enough. I’ll trundle away to come up with an intelligent quip to share with you all….

I bet this will be just like going to the bathroom during Paranormal Activity… I leave, somebody gets thrown against a wall! I come back, the pool cleaner climbs out of the pool again. La-ame…

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/17

…can’t let dani grammerstorf off scott free…with the coolest, most googlable name on the internet…grad ’03, still working on that first novel…tsk tsk, a procrastinator…some good things about her story…real dialogue and situations…maybe too real, and that’s why she’s silent about it all…”A shiver ran a sprint up my back.”…really?…unique way of putting it, but kind of faky too, like an MFA trying to hard…”a gesture of movement”…oh, you mean as opposed to a gesture without movement…reference to the Muppets and Miss Piggy…you may as well have a best before expiry date on it…then again, don’t think this story had a hope of standing the test of tinme anyway…i will say though, dani’s “Raymond” is a little more endearing than madeline master’s “Raymond”…and dani’s story contained more convincing retching scenes…sick! ; )

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/17

Madeline

The only flashback is the relationship montage (set to Kanye West’s ‘Runaway’, obviously… could you hear it?).

So yes, “the rain stopped by morning” = the next day.  I was trying to avoid a clunky transition.  Is it too subtle?

And yes, it’s raining at the beginning, and again during their walk, and again while they are in bed at the end.  “Winter island rain.”  Welcome to Victoria.  It never stops…

About the name.  At first she was “Autumn” as per other things I’ve written about this character.  But then Autumn felt too hippified.

I chose Lily because, for one, I think it’s an awesome name.  Second, I once had a tiger lily in my apartment.  I discovered that if you’re willing to fork over $900, you can indeed save your cat from imminent death if she chooses to gorge on lily stem, leaf, petal.  So lilies are beautiful and toxic.  What fun!

slipslap – 2011/02/16

Dani – Your premise is interesting, but nothing about your narrator makes me want to keep reading. Honestly it was tough to get to the end of your story. Your writing could be sharpened a lot too. It feels like you rushed to get this off for the deadline. DGB – I\’m surprised the voting has been so close. Your narration does well everything that Dani\’s doesn\’t. I agree with nuthouse that the ending was a bit too lovely, but some of us are sadists.

Madeline Masters – 2011/02/16

DGB: No worries, not being harsh. I can tell coming from you that mention of strangling puppies is just a joke. I was just away from my compy for the evening.

After leaving my comment, I went back and reread your story. Then I wondered if I had missed something – like how long the time gap was between when Lily receives the pill and when she does her “art project.”

Is it the next day? It says the rain had stopped by morning. So does she get the pill one night, and then the next day they walk on the beach and then they come home and shower and she goes feral in the kitchen and then they have sex?

I wasn’t sure because it’s raining again at the end of the story. I may have just gotten lost with the time jumps & flashbacks. ?

PS: I love the name Lily. Is this any reference to the Biblical Lilith or just a pretty, feminine, but not too common name?

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/16

…Lily must really believe he wanted the baby…maybe that’s why she gives him a “hand” in the abortion…so he won’t ever be able to blame her afterwards…it assuages her guilt to have an accomplice…and she subconsciously blames him for getting her pregnant…it’s only fair then in her mind…as for sexually active women who consciously go off the pill in favor of the rhythm method…well, how many abortion stories do you have to read…i think i blocked out being in a vaguely similar situation once, but your story has triggered my latent memory…so much for feminine mystique…and speaking of feminine mystique…got to love dani’s strategy…let the story speak for itself…say nothing, become no target…of course, it doesn’t appear to be working in the voting…isn’t this about the time hal jumps in to complain that’s she’s being a dorf for not participating…actually i’m pretty impressed…BP has been pretty hands off lately…maybe they got  tired of getting their names dragged through the mud, learned it’s better to remain above the fray…it’s not much fun getting your teeth smashed in at the BP Dearthmatch…dearth as in sadly lacking in talent this year ; )

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/16

Sorry if that seemed harsh.  (thanks Kim)  Bad joke perhaps.

I wasn’t being sarcastic.  If I rewrite this for something else, I will indeed put more attention to Lily’s obviously painful experience.

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/16

Madeline Masters:

From my research, including the testimony of a friend who had a chemical abortion, as well as the resource you linked, “the severity of cramping pain associated with medical abortion ranges from mild to severe.”  For my friend, it was equivalent to ‘tolerable menstrual cramping’.

But I don’t mean to be defensive.  I think you’re right.  I understand that as a guy writing about a woman’s experience, I have to be careful not to betray the reality of what Lily is going through.  Maybe she smoked ten more joints that I didn’t mention, or maybe she’s just an abortion gladiator, but I probably shouldn’t leave that to guesswork.

If I do anything else with this story, I’ll make her groan a bit more, pop some T3s, or maybe strangle a puppy.

Thanks!

Madeline Masters – 2011/02/16

DGB: I’m figuring you did some research on chemical abortions when you wrote the story, because you start off with the insertion of the “at home” pill. Which is why, after thinking about it more, it made less sense to me that Lily is well enough and in the mood to go for a long walk and then have sex hours after inserting the second pill.

The second dose causes severe, often unbearable cramping, heavy bleeding, nausea, vomiting… This can start 20 minutes or 2 hours after insertion, depending.

This link describes the side effects from a medical perspective:

http://www.prochoice.org/education/cme/online_cme/m2expected2.asp

So, while I thought the ending of your story was strong – the walk in the rain, the animalistic painting episode, the creepy sex demand – it’s not very realistic considering what really happens when a woman is in the middle of a chemical abortion. She’d be pretty laid up for a while.

Maybe if you included some description of the physical pain Lily is going through that would make the ending more realistic. You could describe the bleeding, but I don’t know how far you want to go with the gross factor.

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/16

nuthouse

Thanks! Flattery is flattering.  I’m pretty new to this, in that I don’t have much published, so I had no idea what kind of feedback I’d get.  But then again, maybe you’re anonymously my best friend.

I actually considered a down ending, but I thought that might be too much after dragging the reader through the blood of an aborted fetus.  I agree it is a bit sweet and sticky.  Ha.

backinthesaddle

I love you.

sarahk

Huh?

nuthouse – 2011/02/15

Okay, i have been waiting to weigh in but now i will:

1 – Dani’s story while realistic and depressing is lame. Do I really care about the narrator? No. Does it help that she describes her life purpose as “I had no great plans for my life either.” God, no. (Get a life, I wanted to scream…) Does anything interesting happen? Not really. Did I learn anything about the human condition? No. Did I laugh out loud when “abortionate” is used? Yes. Is it wrong to hyphenate “dimly-lit”? Yes. Do I believe the narrator when she says “From that moment on we were friends.” Nope. (Any 19-year-old knows that getting drunk together and sharing a secret doesn’t make you any more that roommates. Even if you hug before going to bed.) Ultimately, I don’t see the point of this story existing. Sorry to be harsh but, aside from the distracting shock value of the first paragraph, I think it should have been aborted…

2 – David’s story, while making us feel uncomfortable, is more real. Perhaps it’s because it seems quasi-autobiographical but the characters ring true. They talk like real twentysomethings. I don’t agree with the criticism made that Lily’s reason for stopping taking the Pill is false – some of us agree with her reasoning. And aren’t we supposed to be hacking apart the writing? David’s the better storyteller: the first line hooked me and while the first paragraph seems meant to shock, it actually draws you in. He’s got some nice turns of phrase, too (“the rain came down like profanity”; “we fucked on her childhood mattress, as furious as discretion permitted with her uncle down the hall”) My one criticism? The ending is a little too perfect. Lily should have broken up with him…But no matter how it ends, it reveals something about the human condition and tackles emotions that are usually left on the shelf.
Bring on the backlash!

backinthesaddle – 2011/02/15

I don’t want to disappoint you, Griffin…”Only fair?”…Lily is obviously a little twisted…and your narrator, in taking part in the pill procedure, is a tad lacking in dignity…why would lily think he wanted to keep the baby?…she must think they are crazy in love…maybe they are…why would she want to go off birth control…i mean water retention and cancer risk aside, she must have this subliminal desire to get pregnant…sex in the blood of your aborted child?…you are really trying to gross us out in this one…kind of a weak ending…it feels like we’re closer now…yeah, in a gynacologist-patient kind of way…i don’t want to tell you i’m voting for you, because it might spark a backlash and you’ll lose ; )

sarahk – 2011/02/15

I know what day it is sucincubus. I dont know whose doing it but I will keep voting for both so they cant and since I dont think either one is better. Dont worry no more irelevant questions.

succincubus – 2011/02/15

Oh come on! Don’t you two have any cronies I can banter with? This is like being the first kid to the birthday party. Awk-ward.

succincubus – 2011/02/15

I’M BACK!

I was gonna talk about the stories but then I caught up on sarahk’s post.

sarahk: I don’t think anyone knows exactly why you posted today. Did you not know what the Deathmatch was before you entered? It’s supposed to be ugly and nasty and degrading. That’s what all the kids are doing these days.

If you wanted to complain about cheating, shouldn’t you have done that when the people involved were still here? The losers I’m sure have retreated and the winners are rallying the troops for the next round of battle. This lady and gentleman just got started.

Did you need to vent about the contest in general? You’ve managed to take a crack at the wrong set of stories. Feel better now?

So I’ll just ask nicely, if you’re going to post to Deathmatch, please make it relevant. Thanks!

sarahk – 2011/02/15

Ive been following the contest some and was sad at first since my entry didnt make it. I dont mind at all though now Ive seen what a sham it is. I tested those links on the whatever site that got posted last round. Well I dont know how to test them so I just voted evenly one vote per person back and forth to see what it said. Not all but many of them said they already had a vote. Lame lame lame people. I guess publication is more important than itegrity. Nice stories I guess. Both kind of gross not my taste but neither is this deathmatch joke contest.

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/15

Okay so I just got stung by a jellyfish.  Maybe not a whole jellyfish, since it wasn’t that bad, but sometimes they get chopped up by the motorboats and even the floaty fragments sting.  The point is, I expected to come back here to some scathing troll comments, armed with a wonderful comeback about the jellyfish having a much worse bite.  Or something.  I guess I’ll have to be patient.

Dani!  I like your story.  I especially like that I don’t like the narrator.  I was really hoping your story would suck, obviously, but it doesn’t.  So here’s to an exciting and nerve-wracking week of battle…!

By the way, I have a good friend in derby, on the Eves of Destruction (Victoria).  She says your team is the best, and that makes you her idol. Damn.

Dani G. – 2011/02/15

Happy Deathmatch to you too, David!

Madeline Masters – 2011/02/15

David Griffin Brown: After much anticipation I am glad to finally read your story.

My favorite parts of Brink are the glimpses into higher philosophical thought:

***

But I stared instead at female, human, mammal.

And hers an ill-fated, chemical-stained womb, environment, habitat.

Love is a socially constructed emotional category.

***

Brink is a world with no god, in which life is a biological process and humans are complex organisms constantly driven by their genetic impulse to thrive, all the while burying those primal decisions under words like “love” and “miracle” and “happiness.”

Your main character is beautiful because he sees the truth of the world, but still accepts his emotions and connection to Lily. His is a much more real version of love.

Madeline Masters – 2011/02/15

Ms. Grammerstorf: you have artfully illustrated the young college party girl and the young, futureless working girl. I believe there is a walk-up apartment somewhere where their two counterparts cohabitate.

I enjoyed Jill’s sense of humor, although she was annoying and self-pitying at times. You show how self-centered young people can be: Meg just had an abortion, and yet Jill can still manage to find a reason to feel sorry for herself because she’s lonely and ignored.

Your story will win votes because it is so painfully, disappointingly real, and because of your carefully crafted language. Good luck in the match!

7newspapers – 2011/02/14

…whoaaaa…Grammarstorf has that poignancy thing going…although the waitress comes off as a little unsympathetic in the beginning with a case of bad taste…and DGB has a ringer too…a little confusing with the introduction of Amanda, a one off mention, but well-written, on first read…

David Griffin Brown – 2011/02/14

Oh wow… two abortion stories for Valentine’s Day.  How wonderful.

Happy Deathmatch Dani!

Broken Pencil – 2011/02/14

Round Three begins! Round Two results coming shortly.