The Sweet Taste of Slavery

By Christoph Meyer

Little Jimmy spent too much time pondering the Human Condition. At the tender age of 10, he arrived at a decisive and final philosophical conclusion: Humans have free will and it is a horrible curse. In that glorious moment of revelation and understanding he threw back his head, clenched his fists and howled to the heavens, “Freedom is slavery!”

Little Jimmy decided that the best way to live in such a wretched world was as a slave, so he sold himself into slavery to his older sister in exchange for her weekly allowance of $5. After pocketing his five bucks, Little Jimmy grovelled at her feet and inquired, “What is your bidding my master?”

“I don’t know. Just get outta here for now. You’re like creepin’ me out.”

Confused again over the meaning of life and stricken with existential grief, Little Jimmy wandered the mean city streets searching for something that would give his life purpose. Then he saw a sign! The sign was in front of Ivan’s hot dog stand and it read: five foot-long chili dogs for $5.

As Little Jimmy swallowed the first bite, he thought, “Freedom never tasted so good.” By the fifth dog, he was feverishly scribbling on his napkin, outlining a grand, extensive philosophical system that had suddenly become clear in his mind’s eye. No longer would he be anybody’s slave. He’d pay his sister back the money he owed her. He’d pay her back all right-with interest.

Christoph Meyer lives with his wife and son in a restored mill in rural Ohio. He publishes the zine Twenty-eight Pages Lovingly Bound with Twine.