17 thoughts on “Presenting: Indie Writers’ Deathmatch FINALS!”

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1,685 thoughts on “Deathmatch 2013 Finals”

1. Good luck Jeanie. *raises glass* To a good first round.

   1. Your story is rapey. boo

      1. Rapey? Yuck. Let’S find a better description… That’s just disgusting for you to say

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      2. Wow, didn’t know rape was an adjective. Nana’s story has much more depth to it that I wouldn’t describe as “rapey.” I wouldn’t go as far as call it disgusting either. Nana has written a rhythmic, coherent piece. Sorry if the execution of his narrative was too grandiose for you. His story depicted conformist thought that doesn’t exist only in high school, but in other social niches. The central idea of the story ISN’T about rape as he clearly stated in his comments, therefore your criticism is ill-formed. I guess if he could provoke that kind emotion from you, then he wrote a damn good story. If the content made you cringe, then I’d suggest reading something more comfortable like Clifford the Big Red Dog.

         1. Em, I don’t like that comment either, but most frustrating is that it’s the first thing people see on this page and it therefore frames the whole comparison in terms of whether it’s better to write about rape or not write about rape. For Nana, that leads to people saying either “that story’s disgusting because it’s about rape”, which is ridiculous, or “that story’s better because it’s about rape, which evokes a lot of emotion”, which is equally ridiculous. And for Jeanie, her story becomes simply “the story that’s not about rape”, which is completely unfair to the integrity of both stories and both writers. Basically a lot of people are voting based on whether they feel it’s ok to write a perpetrator-perspective story about rape or not, and not based on each story unto itself.

            Deciding that one is the better story *just* because its subject matter sparked a visceral reaction is kind of akin to saying “Steven Spielberg is the best director in the world because his movies deal with Important Social Issues like the Holocaust, slavery, and the American Civil War, that spark a strong emotional reaction.” Steven Spielberg is a great director. I enjoy his films. But I sure am glad there are a lot of other amazing directors out there whose character-driven films also transport you (Ang Lee, Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood, the Coen Brothers, Spike Jonze, Atom Egoyan, Sarah Polley, bla bla bla, to name just a diverse few). These directors explore emotions, subtle relationships, tensions, moral dilemmas, and they often do this without leveraging the emotional charge of Important Social Issues — arguably the more challenging feat. And so they are also great directors.

            So please don’t suggest that there’s a dichotomy in literature between stories about Big Important Social Issues and Clifford the Big Red Dog. Because there’s so, so, so much more. And we are the richer for it.

         2. JoSchmoe, FTW.

   2. Your story is disgusting.

      1. Your face is disgusted. Go sit in a dark corner so you won’t scare off the human race.

   3. Nana, can everyone who offers you balanced praise and constructive comments look forward to being assaulted and mocked in your Twitter feed, or should I feel special for being singled out? Your tweet yesterday was callous and cruel-spirited, and made it seem like you see the whole constructive feedback part of this DM as a farce to serve as a butt for jokes. smh

      Any response? Do you care if people try to offer you genuine feedback? Why so disrespectful?

      1. This came out in the wrong place. I’ve re-posted it in the right thread below.

      2. I say a lot on Twitter, I think the tweet your referring to said something about how you were commenting a lot. I was being funny (to my followers)in a way I often am on twitter. I have never had to apologize for my actions over the course of this competition and I still don’t feel the need to.

         “lol we gassed this one commenter JoSchmoe now he’s feeling himself smh… shut up sir!”

         Is what I said on Twitter,to my followers. Not trying to “assault” you, just tweeting. How do I feel about genuine criticism, I’ve loved it thus far.I don’t think this tweet or any others really suggest otherwise.

         1. Huh. So as long as dissing someone makes you look funny to your friends, no need to apologize for being gratuitously disrespectful. That sounds a lot like Mike Cardigan speaking.

            Sadly, your Twitter feed seems full of this attitude. A few gems from a really brief skim:
            “If I could say what I wanted every comment would begin with a “BITCH LISTEN!””
            “Send this b*tch back to CANADA”
            “I wanted to put a “Bitch” at the end of the comment but I think it was good as it stands”
            etc.

            Wow, talk about sexism and aggression. The real irony is that I can hear the Cardigans saying these things at their cafeteria table. The aggression, shallow ridicule and endless self-satisfaction — and healthy sprinkling of misogyny — leave the impression that you have a lot more in common with your narrators than the author of a piece like yours needs to be credible.

            I apologize to other commenters who I so unequivocally rebuked when they said your piece glorified sexism and bullying. Things may not be as clear cut as I thought.

            So here’s my tough love for the day, Nana: Your piece is glossy and well-crafted and uses some interesting literary devices to treat a highly emotional and current topic. But in order to become a really good writer of any richness and depth, you have a lot of growing yet to do in terms of respect, self-reflection, honesty and humility. Take it as a token of my confidence in you that I think you’d agree with me if you come back and read this in five years.

         2. Hey JoShmoe. Many have appreciated your thoughtful and balanced comments on this forum, for the record. But come on now. Expecting that Nana be a perfect angel of a human being so as to compensate for a story that pushes people out of their comfort zone is a tad ludicrous. You shouldn’t take his tweets personally, we aren’t here to critique his writing abilities on Twitter. On this forum he’s been present and engaged, responsive and honest, so not sure why he’d be pigeon-holed as one specific type of person, or judged on character, by those of us who don’t know him personally. Yes, he is young and confident. Good for him! He’s been selected by Broken Pencil out of 100+ stories to battle it out, and is currently in the finals with over 10,000 votes… his talent is being recognized because he already is a good writer (and he’s not going to get worse). What he is like as a person, and whether he becomes someone you or others want him to be, seems like a pretty spectacular digression from the merits of Cardigan Blues.

         3. Emily, I’ve enjoyed your input (and your BFF’s) on this round and others.

            But come on now. Let’s be serious.

            I don’t expect Nana to be an angel, but public discourse that degrades and disrespects women is not ok. And so Nana degrading and disrespecting women in his own public discourse is not ok. The author’s POV needs to be very far removed (I would argue diametrically opposed) from the POV used in the story in order for either to retain the credibility that this story relies on to work. Like it or not, when an author piggybacks a story on a controversial social issue, that author has an additional personal responsibility to remain vigilant in his/her stance on that issue. Otherwise s/he loses all credibility. Think of Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic discourse after his movie The Passion of the Christ (and think where his previously skyrocketing career has gone since then).

            Which leads me to another area where you and your BFF and I may end up having to agree to disagree. You’ve said you’re voting for Nana’s piece basically because it sparked a lot of discussion. I can’t agree with your logic. Nana wrote on a controversial issue that is a subject of much discussion throughout our society. Not surprisingly, 90% of the comments here have been about that *issue*, and not about either story (to the detriment of this contest, I believe). Just because his story has led you to talk about a controversial issue does not make it the better story. Such a discussion could as easily be sparked by a really bad story as by a really good one (or anything in between).

            The logical conclusion from your argument would be that every writer should write about bullying or sexual assault or another equally emotionally charged subject and that would make their writing better. That may prove to be a good strategy for an online voting contest, but I can’t agree that it would be good for literature in general.

         4. Well, I just don’t really care how the author acts. It doesn’t change his story. If all writers were scrutinized for their behaviour in order to establish the credibility of their work I think we would have less art and more Big Brother pamphlets to keep us safe. On another note, I am pretty sure my friend there didn’t say we sat around talking only about sexual assault. There is a lot going on in this story, besides that. For instance, Harriet’s strength, the impact of the group POV, and the boundaries of comfort that it pushed, the both in-your-face and subtle struggle for individuality and the “man vs. monster” battle. But all this has already been stated, more than once, and there is plenty from the author about it as well – despite the fact I don’t believe he ever needed to spell out his themes in the first place.

         5. Emily, it seems we take very different moral stances on this question, so I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

            Once again, I really enjoyed your story and will be looking out for more of your stuff to read!

   4. your story is boringly sad and depressingly commonly ugly.

2. I’ve read it three times now, and still admire Cardigan Blues greatly. It will get my vote, despite comments from previous rounds that suggest the author is an American, a rape enthusiast and a cheater. It has been a dirty campaign against you from day one Nana. Congratultions on making it to the end. Despite all the depressing elements in your story, it stands out as the one I enjoyed reading.

   1. I think I hear violins Chris…what concerto is that you’re playing? I think you’ve broken a string.

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   3. I blog, short story craft, write and share poetry, and generally hunt for mentorship and opportunities to expose myself to good writing. I love to read as much as I love to write. I’ve also had the privilege of working as a writer and mentor in my own highschool’s writing club. I am Canadian by birth but grew up in the US, went to highschool in a small town midwestern American school, watched the highschool football highlights on TV, played sports, musical instruments, and cut my writer’s teeth while engaging in that world. Because of my involvement in sports, JR ROTC and inspite of theater, band, and TAG placement, I was a moderately popular “Almost girl that mattered.” Full disclosure: Jeanie is a friend of mine.

      Nana, the story was paced and stylized uniformly. It has strong voice that allows it to read quickly. On the technical levels your story is well crafted. You are talented.

      You picked a handful of sensitive issues that are raw, front and center in our minds: Bullying, rape, abuse, vilification of young men, the objectification of young women. As a writer, I know that you are in on the not so secret secret that most of us are not in the Cardigan Club. As a woman educated in anti-oppression politics, I’m shocked that a man of color would be at ease with writing a contest piece with the primary voice from the P.O.V. of a misogynist remorseless sociopath in training. We share similar battlegrounds here. What gives?

      I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and hope that your intention was to hold the mirror up to the outright disgusting horror that highschool is/can be because of the egos we condone of our friday night lights heros.

      Even with the story being well crafted and your operation under the ‘mirror’ idea, it still reads like pulp tragedy porn.

      I say this because there was no trade off in perspective. The piece created an unresolved horror and destroyed your connection with over half of your audience because you did not give one of your most central characters any voice. Harriet was beautifully well crafted, as much as mike or logan where in their own terrifying ways.

      You could have broke hearts and rallied women and men to her side as a survivor instead of a victim if we had the chance to feel what she was experiencing it as she was experiencing it. You could have cut a balance to the cold hive voice of the Cardigans by giving harriet the chance to speak about why she made the decision to help mike with his homework. You could have done all of this with ease and not compromised the ugliness and grit of what happened in that bathroom.

      I don’t think I could ever take a character with as much complication and depth as harriet, rape her, and then force her to be silent like the girls that do or don’t matter… but then I’m a woman and I volunteer on a rape crisis line and I hear harriet more than I ever could wish on any human: character or writer.

      Do yourself, your audience, and your community a favor and invest in learning to write women: to give them a legitimate voice in your work. Please. You are going places, you will be read. This piece says something important and deserves to be more than tragedy porn.

      1. what Kristina wrote, early on March 8, sums up and explains things much better than I did. I was angry. And repulsed. I was upset about how Nana’s story, and what it represents had affected my intelligent, witty, mature friend, Jeannie…. But I am a man. I am humbled by the point of view of Kristina, this mature woman, who is also a writer, and writes a better balanced criticism, and who volunteers at a rape crisis Centre.

      2. I totally understand what you’re saying about Nana not giving Harriet a voice. She was an essential character obviously and, yes it probably would have been slightly more intense if we heard her perspective. However, the story is called Cardigan Blues. It’s about the Cardigans. If Nana wanted us to read it from Harriet’s POV he would have started the story with, “Hi, I’m Harriet. And today, I might get raped by (…wait for it… pause for dramatic effect) the Cardigans. (*cue the Cardigans*)” But he didn’t. He starts with “WE ARE THOSE DUDES.” He doesn’t start with “I AM THAT VICTIM.” The story isn’t about the victim. It’s about the suspects. How weak they are. Their mindset.

         Harriet is there to provoke us and make us feel exactly what it is all of you are feeling about the Cardigans. We as readers, are supposed to develop an understanding of the Cardigan mindset so that when Harriet does come in, we get it but at the same time we are disgusted. We know it’s wrong, they know it’s wrong, Harriet knows it’s wrong, Nana knows it’s wrong, hell even Jeanie knows it’s wrong. Stories are supposed to provoke the reader, and I believe Nana did a great job at just that. Evidence is seen here in all these comments.

         Nobody is talking about the other story and that to me is an indication that Cardigan Blues has already won. I read the other story, of course, and I’m sorry (I’m not sorry) but it was boring. I felt nothing. No sympathy for the woman or the drunk. Too much time (in my opinion) was spent trying to come up with “witty” descriptions for mundane things that offered nothing towards the ambiance of the story. For example, this: “Standing by the window at the departure gate, Rich puts his forehead on the glass and looks out at the runway. When he lifts his head away, he leaves a greasy smear that reveals a fossil-like imprint of his hair. A thundercloud on the horizon lets out rain, grey bleeding from it like sludge from a can of black beans.” What?? The description’s so random… I can’t.

         Anyways, I didn’t mean to be negatively criticizing the opposing writer but as soon as I started typing I could not stop. In conclusion I’ll say this. Cardigan Blues will continue to stick in my mind. It’s a story I know I won’t forget because it was so upsetting/provoking/interesting. The other one however, The Offbeat (honest to God I had to look back at it because I forgot the title), clearly I’ve already forgotten. Good luck to you both, but congratulations Nana.

         1. Seconded. Well said.

         2. Alexandra, it seems that you might really gravitate towards stories that are plot-driven and more action-focussed, which is very cool. I can see therefore why you voted for Nana’s story, and why the more subtle emotional storyline and wordsmithing in The Offbeat didn’t necessarily jive with you.

            I’m totally splitting hairs here (and so I apologize), but it would be more accurate and fair to say that *you* found Jeanie’s story boring, rather than to proclaim it to be so; I personally was riveted by it from the get-go, hanging on every word. It wasn’t just that I could tell that the narrator was messed up (which I could obviously tell with the Cardigan Blues narrator as well), but that I could also see her reflecting on it and grappling with it in a way that for me was extremely human and very compelling.

            Bla bla bla. To sum up: “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like your opinion, man.”

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3. Hey Nana, nice to meet you here in the No Contest Contest! It was great of you to drop into the last round to talk about the stories. Oh wait, no, you just wanted to talk about yourself. No surprise there. (Did you read my response or were you only interested in wrapping yourself seductively in the silk lining of your own words?)
   So you are pretending to be sportsman like.
   By raise your glass, you must clearly have pulled the cork on your champagne bottle already. (That’s a bit rich, no?) I’m with you though, the stastics are stacked against me (let’s just declare this thing over, shall we?)
   The irony of losing this round is indeed exactly what I expected but hey, let’s see if I can’t text some people on my flip phone (were you born before when these existed?) and get them to stay in the game and vote.
   Go ahead and beat me, I’ve already won.
   I’m looking forward to your gag-inducing victory acceptance speech at the end of this. I hope there will be music and a something about people believing in you. I’m sure it will make me cringe and not in the “sore loser” way you might expect.
   Here’s a future writing dream job that I could see you do well at – writing President Obama’s “say nothing” speeches. Oh wait, that job is already taken by two Canadian dudes.
   I’m out.

   1. And so it begins…

      1. Hey Ed,
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         Later,
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   2. Damn Jeanie, you seem a bit insecure. I would too, since Nana’s story is clearly better. *shrugs*

      1. If I could delete that comment I would. (Mine, not yours) See comment thread below.

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4. Wow, that was a lot. Didn’t expect it.

   I only spoke about myself in that last round because I was being talked about. I was actually asking a question directly asked of me, specifically, how I could benefit from winning a Canadian based contest.

   I haven’t won this yet and I’m sure you know that.

   The gag inducing victory speech… You didn’t like it? I’ll my best to have a reason to write another one. And for the record I wrote that for the people supporting me. It was not meant to be on the deathmatch and “GOD” chose to do that on his or her own.

   Sidebar* God, not to question your Omniscience or anything, don’t post things I write elsewhere here. Those things are for my friends.

   What’s a flip phone? Some sort of new iPhone app? I was, after all, born yesterday for thinking I could be sincere and defend myself in this competition without being considered self-serving jerk. I guess it’s the America in me.

   Good luck, and I meant that sincerely whether you believe it or not because I also believe I’ve already won. I think that might have been one of the most gag inducing parts of what GOD posted. Cheers.

   1. I’ve been busy trying to end war and famine, but I’ll take a moment to reply to Nana:
      When I invented the internet – “let there be light” – I set it up so that anything posted on it, anywhere and anytime, would not be “for friends”. It would be for everyone. Unless proper protective measures were taken. Which you didn’t do.
      Now back to war and famine.

      1. You’re doing a horrible job ending famine or war. You should probably go back to that instead of wasting time on the internet.

   2. Wow….did I write that? I must have needed some sleep because, damn I snapped and that was just plain mean. Got you some votes probably. Good. Serves me right, right?

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5. I just found this whole competition, have read the lead-ups to this point. And speaking of point, I just have to ask Nana: What IS the point of your piece? Are you trying to create some kind of suspenseful build-up, using the common theme that all schools have immature, sexually charged assholes in them? YAWN…. unless I missed something.

   1. Wow…All of Canada must have a “Fuck Nana” campaign.

      Nana, you should feel good about having a country not like you and be nervous about you taking this.

      Are you all REALLY that bitter? Because this intelligent young writer is doing his thing?

      People seem to be scared about the success this guy is going to see. They can’t believe he made it this far and quite frankly are scared about the great things he will accomplish.

      Enough with the Vicissitudes you all keep making to yourselves into why he made it this far. The guy can write, and his story is far more exciting and interesting than a love story taking place in a women’s head.

      Where did you take me in your story, Jeanie? The most interesting event took place at the pool. Are you a boring person, are you interesting…Do I really care to hear this answer to either of those? Not even slightly.

      ANYWAY, this hate towards Nana is typical valley-dwelling characteristics. Each of you must have not seen successes in a professional sense yet. Your lack of humility exemplifies your ignorance. Oh well.

      Nana, stay humble and people will keep doing what they’ve been doing.

      Voting for the better writer.

      1. Hi Nick,
         There was no scene at the pool. There was a scene in an elevator, though. Did you miss the part about alcoholism? Cheers, thanks for reading and caring enough to comment. I appreciate it.
         I’m not scared of Nana’s success, and it doesn’t work in contravention to my own. (See the last rounds comments about Ubuntu that I wrote to Brittany) I am very excited about Nana’s success because I believe that given time and experience (and more reseach/broader perspective when he writes his stories) he has the potential to actually do something very powerful with his craft. At the moment, I am a bit disappointed because there is a lack of creative responsibility vis-a-vis the kind of story he is telling.
         Nick, “All of Canada” does not hate Nana. One must wonder though, if enough people are saying the same thing, is it simply because you are powerful and good (and we are “haters?”) or should it give the writer cause to examine whether there is something amiss in their story. One person can be wrong, highly opinionated and vengeful. Several people giving criticism, it’s kinda simpleton to say that they are just jealous, no?
         Also, are people really voting for the better writer, Nick or are they just clicking a mouse or, at best, skim reading the other story for the sole purpose of attacking it?
         I welcome your response.

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6. Agreed. WTF is with that stuff anyway? I find the story repugnant, went back and re-read it at length, still find it pointless and repugnant. And coupled with the author’s “identifying” as a “winner” and a “stone cold killer” I somehow doubt that this piece is trying to be some sort of attempt to make us think about sexual abuse, class consciousness, or any real issue, more than it is just titillation stemming from the all too prevalent crap we see in school. I agree, Henry – Yawn, but to me, in addition it’s “puke”

7. oops “Nick” slipped in as I was writing that last… to clarify — my “Agree” is with Henry, not Nick, who I suspect might well be Nana covering his ass, LOL….

   1. Is this your guilty way of saying you’re really Henry, Nancy?

      Henry, do you really mean to tell me you wish you were a woman at heart?

      I’m not Nana, but I’m a New Yorker. I don’t see anything I said that was “covering” Nana’s ass either. IDK what people in Canada use that term for, but you seem to be using it loosely. Here in NY we use that term “covering” when someone is trying to prevent themselves from being found out.

      There was obviously no wrong doing on Nana’s part other than more people are in his corner for reasons like this. Hate doesn’t win. Love doesn’t either. Respect goes a long way though.

      1. And your reply to my comment, Nick is…..?

      2. Sorry Nick, is there something you are trying to say with wishing someone was a woman at heart? Is this meant as an insult or do you know something about women’s hearts that I don’t know?

         1. Jeanie, why so angry?… No wonder Nana tweet about “BITCHES”

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8. Nana, I had trouble reading past the 2nd paragraph. It was that weak and predictable, before it got going, I knew what it was. Appealing to the lowest common denominator, and vulgar banality. Weak. I forced myself to read the whole thing. No nuance, lacking style, lacking subtlety or originality. Appealing to the worst in men; misogynist, woman hating, pulp. What was the point ? Writing in such a callous way about rape, puts you in the camp of the perps. I say this because there was no original bit of unique creative genius and art, or any message, and you actually didn’t even make the “victim” a sympathetic character… pretty lacking in sympathy… or character… doesn’t even offer a veneer over what this fetid rubbish is : exploitative, anti-woman, junk food for the soul. A story could have been written with similar subject matter, that had some kind of purpose, art or wisdom, that wasn’t obviously designed to pander to the lowest in men, and to offend women, and do your best to remind them of extreme trauma. Pretty near rape porn… your writing is like eating at McDonalds. Not nourishing and gives those that are already tuned out, something to try to feed and cram into the inner void. Adding to the pile of garbage that too often passes for popular literature. Jeanie, if you lose to that, you really don’t want to win. Wow, how original, trying to get negative attention from shock value, and offend women. Something little boys learn at a young age, but most outgrow. I need a shower

   1. yesyesyes I agree!!!

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9. Vote jeanie, she doesn’t have a story about rape culture, easy move really!!

   1. The Canadian comments are disgusting ? But glorifying gang rape and crushing kind women is fine. That’s ridiculous. Good to see that so many people have responded to Jeannie’s writing. The comments against Nana’s story ain’t racism, if anything it’s pro-women ! Is there an either or there ? Nana’s writing, is lacking in nuance, creativity or style. Really. Makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Pisses me off, ‘cuse I love my mother, and my sister, and my daughter AND my many women friends. I have many friends of different cultures, which have included good friends that happen to be black (Canada doesn’t really have the same type of racist dynamic as the U.S. Eh ! Vancouver is multi-cultural. That race card doesn’t fly here. Most of us here, have friends from so many different cultural backgrounds. A quarter of our population is Chinese, a 10th Indian. Grow up. Nana’s story is weak, and justifies and glorifies gang rape. It doesn’t seem to be designed to do anything positive socially. It is RAPE CULTURE b.s. ! Because he is black does that give him the right to disrespect women so horribly ? Nope. For those that don’t get it, the writing is adolescent and tries to get by on shock value, and upset women (which it has). If the story was stronger and had anything redeeming, and the rape was dealt with in a way that didn’t feature it, and make it some kind of sick brag session about the all to common chicken shit way that too many men try to crush women, I might have felt differently… But sometimes crap is just crap

      1. Well put!

         1. Having read this I thought it was really informative.

            I appreciate you taking the time and energy to put this informative article
            together. I once again find myself personally spending a lot
            of time both reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worthwhile!

10. Jeanie’s Writing is amazing! Original, detailed, descriptive, emotive and paints a vivid picture. It is intelligent and speaks to Canadian writing of quality and creative integrity. Alot of great content comes out of Canada. To be honest the other story about the high school bullies gave me a little rush of base emotions but left me feeling rather disgusted. This theme is creatively lacking as it is overused and I think it’s time we transcend the old abusive paradigm and celebrate originality and great “Offbeat” writing! Go Jeanie!

11. This contest is pure jokes right now…. I am not for nor against nana but I think it is sort of insignificant and immature to attack him in such a way. I’ve read both stories and its obvious they both have different writing styles, which makes them both unique. Commentators should focus on giving these two candidates constructive feedback rather than bashing them. It’s okay to be jealous of the next person but expressing it here will do no good cause a person that respects the art of writing will vote for whom they think is the better writer.

    PS- as a warning do not attack me cause you will be talking to yourself. This is my first and last comment because I refuse to lower my self to all this negativity.

    1. Check out Mr Mature over here. I think he’s on the wrong webpage.

       1. Spot on with this write-up, I absolutely feel this web site
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12. Hey JB here’s some constructive feedback for Nana :
    The Male Privilege Checklist:

    http://www.amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-checklist/
    Finally Feminism 101 http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/
    “Check my what?” On privilege and what we can do about it http://blog.shrub.com/archives/tekanji/2006-03-08_146
    Another Post About Rape (This is a great article for identifying the subtle underpinnings of sexism that encourage women to not have clear boundaries) http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/another-post-about-rape-3/
    The Angry Black Woman (One of my favorite articles on her blog is entitled “The Privilege of Politeness”) http://theangryblackwoman.com/
    Yes Means Yes http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/
    A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html
    Sheryl Sandberg: Why we have too few women leaders http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18uDutylDa4&feature=relmfu
    Challenging Patriarchy in Political Organizing – A 101 by Harsha Walia http://www.peopleofcolororganize.com/activism/challenging-patriarchy-political-organizing-101/
    Justified Rage from an Unsafe Space: Reflection on Occupy Wall Street http://www.peopleofcolororganize.com/activism/organizing/justified-rage-unsafe-space-reflection-occupy-wall-street/
    Tranarchism (And would you look at that, the most recent article is a repost “Points of Unity for a Queer and Feminist Occupation”) http://tranarchism.com/ Also, check out the article, “Not Your Mom’s Trans 101” http://tranarchism.com/2010/11/26/not-your-moms-trans-101/
    Genderbitch: Musings of a Trans Chick http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/ Especially, these articles: “Intent! It’s Fucking Magic!” http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/intent-its-fucking-magic/ “‘Omg Ur So MEEN!’ Pseudo-Ally Tears And Why We Don’t Care” http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/pseudoally-tears-and-tone/ “Redefining Nice: Why ‘Nice Guys’ Finish Last” http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/nice-guys-arent-nice/
    Calpernia Adams “Bad Questions to Ask a Transsexual: The Director’s Cut http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjqsB1huDxg
    A Really Awesome Trans Glossary https://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AcHP5xGhVLvmZGRnY3RocWdfMHc4ZHpza2c3&hl=en
    Schrödinger’s Rapist http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
    Bell Hooks “Feminism is For Everybody” http://books.google.ca/books/about/Feminism_is_for_everybody.html?id=0au7QbAJH0gC&redir_esc=y
    Bell Hooks “Feminist Theory From Margin to Center” http://books.google.ca/books?id=uvIQbop4cdsC&printsec=frontcover&dq=bell+hooks+feminist+theory+from+margin+to+center&hl=en&ei=VGzhTu7jC4XYiQKAkP3_Dw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDAQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=bell%20hooks%20feminist%20theory%20from%20margin%20to%20center&f=false
    Julia Serano “Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity” http://books.google.ca/books?id=fR5ji5h5g1MC&printsec=frontcover&dq=julia+serano+whipping+girl&hl=en&ei=d2zhTrq5F6f8iQKw4q2NDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDQQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=julia%20serano%20whipping%20girl&f=false
    Derailing for Dummies http://www.derailingfordummies.com/
    Questioning Transphobia http://www.questioningtransphobia.com/
    Explainer: What is a “Nice Guy” http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2007/12/explainer-what-is-nice-guy.html
    Free Geek’s Wiki on Anti-Oppression http://wiki.freegeekvancouver.org/article/What_is_Anti-Oppression%3F
    Why Misogynists Make Great Informants: How Gender Violence on the Left Enables State Violence in Radical Movements http://inciteblog.wordpress.com/2010/07/15/why-misogynists-make-great-informants-how-gender-violence-on-the-left-enables-state-violence-in-radical-movements/
    Wikipedia on intersectionality http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersectionality
    Push(back) at the Intersections: Defining (and Critiquing) ‘Intersectionality’ http://bitchmagazine.org/post/pushback-at-the-intersections-defining-and-critiquing-intersectionality
    Intersectionality & Feminism http://www.kickaction.ca/node/1499
    Refusing to Wait: Anarchism and Intersectionality http://www.anarkismo.net/article/14923
    Why I use that word that I use: Kyriarchy, kyriarchal, and why not patriarchy (Thank-you for this Sarah!) http://www.deeplyproblematic.com/2010/08/why-i-use-that-word-that-i-use.html
    Why the term “ally” is not mine to apply http://www.deeplyproblematic.com/2009/11/why-term-ally-is-not-mine-to-apply.html
    Harassment, male privilege, and jokes that women just don’t get (Thanks for this one, Bunny!) http://www.feministlawprofessors.com/2011/11/harassment-male-privilege-jokes-women-dont/?t=1320806691
    How to Respect a Transgender Person (Thank-you for this Daniyah!!!) http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-a-Transgender-Person
    Because a White Guy Said It http://uhuh-she-said.tumblr.com/post/1244335715/because-a-white-guy-said-it
    Using “They” as a Singular Pronoun http://robotics.caltech.edu/~mason/ramblings/singularThey.html
    Microaggressions: Power, Privilege and Everyday Life http://microaggressions.com/
    Tim Wise “The Pathology of White Privilege” http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3812249801848706206
    A Habitat for Love http://impossibleprocesses.com/2012/02/21/a-habitat-for-love/
    “The Art of Mansplaining” http://fanniesroom.blogspot.com/2010/02/art-of-mansplaining.html
    “A Woman’s Born to Weep and Fret” (Another article about mansplaining) http://karenhealey.livejournal.com/781085.html
    The Van Slam’s Blog about their process around sexual assault in the community: http://youandiaregoingtodie.blogspot.ca/?m=1
    Shut Up and Listen http://whatever.scalzi.com/2011/09/06/shut-up-and-listen/
    The Revolution Will Not Be Polite http://www.socialjusticeleague.net/2012/04/the-revolution-will-not-be-polite-the-issue-of-nice-versus-good/
    Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/05/15/straight-white-male-the-lowest-difficulty-setting-there-is/
    The Ally’s Toolkit http://allystoolkit.tumblr.com/
    How to Eff Up http://takebackthenighthamilton.wordpress.com/2011/08/04/how-to-eff-up-theres-some-cussing-below-be-warned/
    Going to places that scare me: Personal reflections on challenging male supremacy http://www.xyonline.net/content/going-places-scare-me-personal-reflections-challenging-male-supremacy
    On fatphobia, thin privilege, and “eat a sandwich!” http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2010/08/on-fatphobia-thin-privilege-and-eat-a-sandwich/
    Fat Phobia and Thin Privilege http://shutupsitdown.co.uk/2009/08/19/fat-phobia-and-thin-privilege/
    Why isn’t anyone talking about the misogyny involved in Amanda Todd’s life and death? http://www.vancouverobserver.com/blogs/feminista/why-isnt-anyone-talking-about-misogyny-involved-amanda-todds-life-and-death *Note: I think we should do away with the word “bullying” altogether. It obfuscates and minimizes the underlying oppressions behind it and does nothing to seriously address those. Also, it is SO often used as a tool of faux victimization by people being called out on oppressive shit in order to avoid taking responsibility for their oppressive behaviour. In short: this word is not helping.
    Qualities Of An Anti-Racist Ally https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10152167494445551&set=a.171202385550.250834.808885550&type=1&relevant_count=1
    It Stands to Reason, Skeptics Can Be Sexist Too http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/10/sexism_in_the_skeptic_community_i_spoke_out_then_came_the_rape_threats.single.html *Note: I am including this one as a poignant reminder that people who we assume are coming from a politically shared analysis have the same potential to be oppressive.
    Douchebag Decree: What We Talk About When We Talk About Free Speech. http://bitchmagazine.org/post/douchebag-decree-what-we-talk-about-when-we-talk-about-free-speech-spoiler-alert-too-often-we-t *For all those who are so very fond of crying “Free Speech!” when they are challenged on bullshit.
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    Fat Panic! Vancouver http://fatpanic.wordpress.com/stuff-to-watch/ *Holy crap, this site is full of awesomesauce. Check out all the links at the right, especially. There is a veritable *wealth* of blogs, articles and information that these folks have compiled. They also put on fat oppression workshops and Kalamity, who runs them, is great. Contact them if you’d like to book one!
    I’m Not A “Person With a Disability”: I’m a Disabled Person http://www.xojane.com/issues/i-am-not-a-person-with-a-disability-i-am-a-disabled-person
    Megan Falley – Fat Girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M5ShRQuMgM&feature=youtu.be
    21 Things to Stop Saying Unless You Hate Fat People http://lovelivegrow.com/2012/10/21-things-to-stop-saying-unless-you-hate-fat-people/
    Is Your Costume Racist? http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/hampshire-halloween.jpeg
    The Spoon Theory http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
    Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want. http://www.fatnutritionist.com/index.php/eat-food-stuff-you-like-as-much-as-you-want/
    The Marriage of Sexism and Islamophobia; Re-Making the News on Egypt http://www.jadaliyya.com/pages/index/700/the-marriage-of-sexism-and-islamophobia;-re-making-the-news-on-egypt
    Good Muslim, Bad Muslim – An African Perspective http://essays.ssrc.org/sept11/essays/mamdani.htm
    Islamophobia 101 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyLZDDG5vaE
    A sociological critique of the Health at Every Size movement http://simplysociology.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/a-sociological-critique-of-the-health-at-every-size-movement/ *Note: I think that HAES was developed with really good intentions, but this article points to some very serious pitfalls with the approach.
    The Past Didn’t Go Anywhere: Making Resistance to Antisemetism Part of All of Our Movements” http://www.scribd.com/doc/81712788/The-Past-Didn-t-Go-Anywhere-April-Rosenblum
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    1. Giving every gender and/or group a voice in every story would render storytelling to some politically correct bullshit.

       “My pedestal was too tall to climb off. In fact, that’s the reason for the high horse,” Sage Francis, Slow Down Ghandi You’re Killing Them

       The quote above could serve as your entire post.

13. Nana,

    Where do I get the the 10 minutes of my life I spent trying to digest your rape pamphlet, you degenerate hipster lawn jockey. This has nothing to do with the aesthetics of fiction and everything to do with you cooning for the vice reading white frats and hipsters who would read this. You might as well put on blackface, wear a handkerchief, and shine shoes at your form, id you are in the businesses of reaffirming racist stereotypes. But stop writing fiction. You Are not an artists. You are not a writer. You are a zip coon for Canadian hipsters.

    1. I’ll reply to you, Mr. Lashley by first asking you to considering being a little more tactful with your language. There are people who would think more of you for it.

       But considering your concerns and the concerns of some others. The idea that this story is about rape or pro rape has been discussed previously and I want to make clear that in no way does it endorse rape or sexual assault or any of the treatment of woman that does, in fact, happen everyday. Of the comments above Kristina’s is obviously the most respectable because she is criticizing in a balanced way that explains merit and downfall. Her method reflects her problem with the story, its lack of balance in narrative voice.

       It is one sided. But my story is not a story, not a fair criticism. The idea, as pointed out in Kristina’s comment to to hold a mirror up. To shine a light on a negative mentality so bright that you step into the minds of children who become monsters. Perhaps it would be more balanced if we had heard directly from Harriet, or maybe that would have told us what we already know, that she is a beautiful young woman the boys know is better than they ever will be. That they are disgusting and obsessed with appearances. That they are not what they believe they are. The story is meant to make you feel something. “What’s the point?” The point is to walk away knowing the story made you feel, and maybe think. It is supposed to suggest that in an exchange between humans and monsters, sometimes, the monster is just a collection of humans who, when together, lose their way. The “point” if the story is to display one of the possibilities of fiction, a grim possibility but a necessary one.

       A fair judge knows that the narrator isn’t glorified in this story.

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    2. Also, Lashley, I must applaud you for packing so much racism into such a tight excerpt. I will tell you this though. Seriously, Coon, Black face, lawn jockey very impressive. Your terms are a little 1920’s but I guess you are paying homage to a golden era in racism. Respect.

       I shouldn’t respond to you but what the hell, allow me to continue cooning for you by saying this. You fucked up.

       You are showing the ignorant, linear thinking my story is “about” or pro rape. You are showing the ignorance that comes with pointlessly attacking my story in terms that neglect the writing, the pacing or, really, any of the writing elements. You are a joke and I am SO thankful for you. I’m not going to continue much on you personally because I wouldn’t want to perform too much, you know, in a black face shuckin’ and jivin’ kind of way, but you really do amuse me. You should know that you come off as senseless and extremely racist, which i guess you must have known, I don’t think anyone could be that racist by accident. I appreciate the read though, I’d like to see if you can challenge yourself to using some more contemporary racist terms, you know, just to mix it up.

    3. Really? This is disgusting. How many more years must minorities overcome the obstacles of racism? And how low of you to even bring that sort of ignorance into this competition. This kind of behavior should not be tolerated here or anywhere.

       If comments will be made, it should be opinions on the writers STORY and what the reader believes are the writers weak points. At the end of the day each writer should be able to go home and rewrite their story with your ideas in mind and come out of this competition learning something useful.

       I hope you do apologize Mr. Lashley because that was really uncalled for.

       1. This is ridiculous. If authors didn’t have to post pictures of themselves, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. What on earth does race have to do with any part of this? Can we please just focus on the STORIES??

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14. I’m surprised at how tasteless a lot of these attacks at Nana are. This is a competition, not a forum for people of opposing sides to bash each other; especially when you’re bashing someone who has some out the victor of two previous rounds. You can debate your opinion and support your writer without being assuming, disrespectful, and on one clear account, racist. Also, being a sore loser has nothing to do with people’s perception of you, it has to do with personal integrity. And for someone who likes to infer their superiority by commenting on Nanas age, your lack of integrity makes you very childish and lacking in maturity.

15. It’s been quite the weekend over here in the DM finals. Nana has been taking a lot of heat but holding his own. Jeanie has quite rightly led the charge. A few points: It’s pretty simple minded to say that a story portraying sexual violence is a story that condones sexual violence. Nana’s point about monsters and men is well put. That’s certainly how I read the piece. Finally, I have to admire Nana’s tact and restraint responding to Richard Lashley. His remark crosses a line and if Lashley can’t elevate his rhetoric he is welcome to haunt elsewhere. It’s been a weekend of attacks on Nana. Surely Jeanie deserves a bit of heat too?

    1. Trying to get a direct message to the moderator.
       Some us are having trouble with our voting boxes. I was voting no problem on my phone until both of the scores passed 10,000 and now the Voting boxes have moved and are overlapping other text and it is not clear which box is formatted to which side now. I just voted for Jeanie and only Nana’s score increased. I also heard from someone else that she no longer has the option to vote on the website, nothing numerical is displaying for her on her on the website (she’s on a computer) and the voting box is not working.
       Hoping this can this be addressed ASAP. Thank you!

16. Whaaa? You go to sleep and wake up, and there are 300 plus votes for each side and 30 comments. I’ve got to at least get a cup of coffee before I get in here. Yikes.

17. Well, as tempting as it is to vote for Jeanie to affirm my sense of national pride (truthfully I do enjoy her writing although the story could use more story and less “look at what I’m doing with my words!” if you ask me), I am voting for Nana because I think he deserves it the most in this particular forum. Not only do I find his story clever, but he has also been successfully battling opponents for going on three rounds, fielding complaints on everything from zombies voting for him and those who don’t want to use their basic interpretive skills to think about what’s being left unsaid about the frightening but fragile group-mentality of teenage boys (or want to use their reading skills for that matter to understand that lust-driven boys can get grabby. Any teenage girl in the world can understand this to be true), to the strong and unconventional female protagonist who isn’t afraid of the assholes and rises above them time and again yet somehow upsets commenters feminist ideals. Meanwhile, his revision incorporated some of the valid critiques he received, which shows a willingness to listen and think critically about his writing. I believe in terms of creative responsibility he’s left more room for discussion – it is there, I guess it’s just not just spelled out. Because of all the above, and the fact his story makes people care, one way or the other, I think he deserves the win. IMO.

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19. Jeanie, your story was easy to read but I find the subject matter blasé, although the addition of a miscarriage certainly complicated things, nothing was novel or surprising. Why did you choose the POV of the ex-girlfriend-turned manager? Nana, I’m assuming we’re supposed to read more into the story rather than take it in at face value; ironically, there’s a lot to be said about what has been left unsaid. And anyone with critical reading skills can see that there was no rape at the end of the story, merely sexual assault, which at a high school age, and for the purposes of your story, is just as jarring. I think people are lashing out because your story makes the reader feel very uncomfortable, and people aren’t used to that. My question to you is, if you had to write the same story at twice the length, what would you include/how would you extend it?

    1. This is another great question I’ve been thinking about. If this story had to be longer I would probably flush out the memories of the boys and Harriet by adding a little detail to each of them, maybe extending the memory sequence a little longer in each. I would also add a part where Harriet interacts with one of the boys individually. I think that if I could subtly create a meaningful exchange between Harriet and one of them, like at the tutoring session but really just one on one, maybe even breaking from the collective voice to get a dose of reality into the story. I’m not exactly sure what I’d do, good question though.

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23. I didn’t read the racist repugnant garbage, people like Lashley wrote. That’s incredibly ugly, what he wrote. And I don’t know anyone who talks or thinks like that. It is horrible. Nana, maybe you can now relate to how your story might make a woman who has been raped, feel. I know many. One in 3 women is sexually assaulted in her lifetime. A real man doesn’t have any interest in wanting to harm or disrespect women, especially to this degree. I have no don’t that several women read your story, and were re-traumatized by it. Maybe you didn’t think about this.But it doesn’t justify it.

    http://www.fraserhealth.ca/your_health/sexual_health/sexual_assault/statistics

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25. I vote for Nana primarily because I enjoyed his story and I believe it wasn’t at all about rape culture but more so about group think. I read the story numerous times and there was no rape that took place. Overall half of these comments are ignorant, if you think his piece sucks well then don’t vote for it, however to bring race into this competition is just ridiculous. Nana I loved your story and you have my vote.

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26. I really like the narrative voice in both stories, for very different reasons.

    In Cardigan Blues you have a first-person-plural voice that effectively disintegrates into a first-person-singular voice as the reliability of the narrator becomes more and more acutely apparent. And the fact that Harriet contributes to that dissolution of the collective as she calls out the individuals’ names is a nice literary device. Well done.

    In The Offbeat, you have a classic first-person (singular) narrative, crafted tightly in a way that lets you get to know the narrator intimately while at the same time understanding her desperate and yet mundane struggle to know herself. It captures the questioning and uncertainty in her own mind by striving to be honest and self-reflective but also realising how difficult — almost impossible — this is. Well done.

    I find the predominantly simple analyses posted here of both stories to be disheartening. Cardigan Blues is glorifying rape? Wow, ever heard of more complex literary devices than just describing plot events? The Offbeat is just a story taking place in a woman’s head? Uhh, I repeat, ever heard of more complex literary devices than just describing plot events? The way each writer uses his/her narrator obviously makes each story much more complex than what these comments attempt to reduce them to. These types of analyses not only offend the writers, but also intelligence of everyone who reads your comments.

    Overall these two stories are hard to compare. It’s like comparing a chilling psychological thriller with a nuanced and character-driven Mike Leigh film.

    Ultimately, which story do I want to read more of? If I had a choice to pick up the novel version of either story, it would be the Offbeat. Why? I’ve slipped into the narrator’s reality for a short while, been drawn in by her voice, and I want to follow her some more. I’m compelled — by her attempts at self-honesty, by her sense of responsibility for dude, and by her struggle to figure out where and how to draw the line. She cares about him enough to want to help him (but doesn’t know how), she seems to know and understand him possibly better than she does herself, she still feels possessive enough to be pointlessly jealous. At the same time she resents him and feels a lot of anger and powerlessness — and she can’t tell if it’s at him or herself. This is such a complex web of impulses, and it’s fascinating to watch her naviagate. We’ve all been there; I want to see how she handles it. I feel like I’ll probably be made to think about some interesting stuff about human relationships from watching her more.

    In terms of wanting more of Cardigan Blues, I don’t know if I would pick up the novel, but it would a be really interesting project to do a companion piece telling the same story from Harriet’s point of view. As I thought about it, I realised that there’s basically one plot element that leaves me feeling disconnected from this story — Harriet’s punching one of the guys in the nose. It felt pat, almost trite. Having her call out to them by name is a wonderful way to show her exerting subtle power over them (is this what makes the grade 10 kid puke or is it really only the liquor? — nice ambiguity), and gives a richness to her character and keeps the scene from becoming overwhelmingly bleak. But her punching them (or someone) in the nose and then walking away gives her an unrealistic level of power over them, and instantaneously moves the story out of the real and disturbing and into the fantastic. Harriet suddenly becomes her own knight in shining armour galloping out of the washroom and leaving her assaulters in the dust going “Gee, I guess that wasn’t very nice of us and we look a little silly right now. Let’s regroup.” While I’m sure this wasn’t intentional, Harriet-cum-her-own-shining-knight leaves the reader with the problematic message that if you’re a strong enough person, it’s probably not really *that* hard to get over being assaulted.

    So my vote goes to Jeanie. For great wordsmithing and for making me feel drawn to a character who, if I met her at a party I probably wouldn’t like. Nana, I liked your story and your unique use of the first-person-plural voice, and how you used that unreliable voice to give voice and shape to Harriet. However, I needed to feel Harriet’s pain weigh just a little bit more than her triumph in order for this story to work for me.

    Thanks to both of you for great stories. I thoroughly enjoyed reading them. And thanks for the opportunity to provide a ridiculously long comment on them.:)

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    2. I want to vote for JoSchmoe. Where do I do that?

    3. I would also vote for Joschmoe, thanks for a great comment

       1. Re-posting in the right thread.

          Nana, can everyone who offers you balanced praise and constructive comments look forward to being assaulted and mocked in your Twitter feed, or should I feel special for being singled out? Your tweet yesterday was callous and cruel-spirited, and made it seem like you see the whole constructive feedback part of this DM as a farce to serve as a butt for jokes. smh

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27. Since you wouldn’t post my original post, I will depersonalize it. I don’t know Nana, or his intentions. I didn’t read the racist comments until now, that people like Lashley wrote. To me that’s really ugly, and shocking to see those types of extreme racial slurs, in print, and I don’t know anyone who talks or thinks like that. It is nothing I accept or condone. Nana, maybe you can now relate to how your story might affect a woman who has been sexually assaulted ? The numbers are appallingly, large. I have known many woman who have been deeply affected, and deal with the post-trauma of sexual assault,in their lives. About one in 3 women, or more, are sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. I have no doubt that several women read your story, and were re-traumatized by it. Maybe you didn’t think about all this, but it doesn’t justify the callous glorification of rape in a work of fiction, in my opinion.

    http://www.fraserhealth.ca/your_health/sexual_health/sexual_assault/statistics

28. Nana, re: the Oscar acceptance speech that I made fun of you for writing you said “I guess I must not be that good of a writer” because you were at a loss for words as to how to thank people properly. I share the sentiment but this time not because it is you who are the poor writer. This time it is me. I must not be that good of a writer if I’ve been sitting here for the past 45 minutes reading each comment (I even forgot to vote) trying to come up with the appropriate words to stop some people’s vitriol against you and your story. If, through the scant two comments I wrote earlier, I am the one who has created this, then I shoud be defending you.

    I will not vote again until those words come to me.

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    2. Oh-là-là.. Je suis sans doute un peu fatigué ce soir, mais tous ces commentaires ont réussi à me secouer ..! M…. Que d’émotions ! Je me souviendrai de cette étonnante finale. merci

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    3. Jeanie, Keep Voting, Don’t give up. So maybe you reacted a little strongly to his confidence and the content of his story. That’s okay, Be gentle with yourself. It’s just a game, lets play it full out and see what happens! You have alot of supporters and great writing. It is not easy to put yourself out there for all to see and judge.

       I’m sure Nana has thickened his skin alot dealing with the hate and anger the content of his piece may stir in people. Maybe that’s what he wanted? not sure at all, as it is not obvious to me what his intentions are for the reader other than to hate the abusive group male stereotype. A friend of mine reacted with “Whoa. His piece is a harsh slam against male behavior!” Which I had considered as well.
       As artists we cannot automatically assume an artist is representing himself in every case and not make personal what is being evoked in us by the artists creation. Although of course we do, as humans, seem to glorify those artists/public figures etc.. that evoke positive feelings and try to destroy those that evoke our anger and rage. hmmm, just rambling my thoughts here, not just for Jeanie, but for the whole Round.

       I do prefer Jeanie’s story for several reasons tho, I was drawn in intimately, I love your rich descriptiveness and way with words and am left wanting more. I also love that it is based on true life experience touring as a musician in a band! It is evocative in a real life kinda of way that draws me in, whereas Nana’s piece is provoking in a way that pushes buttons, emotions and boundaries that feels more manipulated and imposed rather than inviting. Which I guess, is appropriate to his content. Anyway, Jeanie gets my vote (every hour) for originality, authenticity and mad skillz with depth and range!

       Very different styles of writing! This is certainly a juicy match!

29. It’s crazy how many of the people in comments seem to think any story that deals with rape/sexual assault is promoting that kind of behaviour.

    Nana’s story I think rather clearly isn’t doing that. It’s certainly got my vote.

    1. I am glad to see that Jennie has made up ground. I found her story more developed,subtle, and thought provoking in a broader way. It is also based upon true events. I don’t affirm to sensationalistic, negative pulp fiction, which makes bullies and rapists into hip anti-heroes, and makes the “victim”, a kind young woman, one-dimensional and almost voiceless. If there was a different message intended,it didn’t come through. I have read many very articulate critiques here, that explain much better than I could, why I vote for Jeannie, and what is unappealing about Nana’s wirk. Hey maybe if you win, Nana, you could write a counterbalancing story from an empowered Harriet p.o.v ? Our would that be less likely to grab the shock value, and express your life view ? Sometimes, we have an opportunity to grow, and reflect upon our actions. What is it we stand for, that we wish to put out into the world ? Fear and ugly, or Love and beauty. To me, celebrating life and what is positive, that’s very hipster cool

30. Excellent work, Nana. You had me at “We are the top of the totem pole and the hand that carves it.” Cardigan Blues is an exceptional story, and you are a very talented writer. I agree with JoSchmoe’s comment above about the only bit that didn’t quite ring true being the punch thrown at the end. I did like how her silence throughout reflected the too often voicelessness of victims. And to be a victim does not mean a person is weak. You did good. Kudos.

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32. This is worth a read. If it is indeed true then Nana, it looks like the ball is in your court.
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33. These hateful comments make it clear how closed-minded and ignorant people can be. Nana’s story is illuminating a dark truth not always talked about. These things really do happen in high school, maybe not your high school or what you knew as high school, but it occurs much more often than you would think. Kinda reminded me of Larry Clark’s directing, anyway, what kind of perfect world do YOU live in? I thought Nana’s story had such a realistic air with awkward silences and frozen moments of time where the boys could contemplate even if only for a second their internal battles of what they see as right and wrong. If you’ve never had a flicker of thought directed towards sin…you’re either lying or you’re not a real person. Vote is for you Nana.

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34. There wasnt any respect for any women in Nan’s story. Make up whatever spin you want… and maybe go spend some time in a Rape Crisi Centre ? Oh, is that too real. That 1 in 5 women that read your pulp Nana, WAS raped. They don’t have to have the “Truth” of how the world is. More than half the women in the world have been sexually assaluted or otherwise abused. And your story made the perps heros. Not Harriet. The rest is trnsparently spin. How many different people are you posting under, with different voices. Nobody’s natural response to Nana’s story is enjoyment or elation, and only boys are defending his view. Straight up.

    1. Hear hear. I’m a boy btw and I agree with Ellie. I love my mom and my sister and even my ex to a point where Nana’s story makes me angry for them. Besides the point I just think Jeanie’s is the better story, with more depth to the character and less reliance on gimmicks and shock jock tactics. Sorry Nana, I hear the argument that you are trying to she’d light on a sensitive topic, but you don’t truly represent your female characters, not to me anyway. They don’t feel real. Just 2D victims…

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    2. Ellie, thank-you for your vote. To be fair it isn’t only boys who are defending his view. Emily (from previous DM rounds and a DM contender herself) is voting for him as is Kimii. Additionally, there are also many people on here who are signed in under genderless names.

35. I would humbly request that strangers visiting this site or people who know me visiting exclusively to vote for my story do so on the basis of merit, ie. you enjoy one story more than the other. NOT because you want to see Nana lose this contest because you don’t like what he has written. I’m starting to feel like a decoy…

    I would also request that people refrain from using language that makes me have to apologize for the behaviour of members of my race. Because I shouldn’t have to. You could come forward yourselves and apologize. The damage is done but doing so would be a tiny little mini baby step in the direction of your remedial understanding that black people do not have monkey tails. (Gasp!)

36. Oh, and I’ve heard that lobotomies are really good for kicking those, “I hate ethnic people” thoughts, electric shock therapy too. If that doesn’t work, there is a new drug out that cures racism. But be careful of the side effects, taking it might cause world peace.

    1. It appears that some commenters are dong to Nana what they loathe in his story. Irony is not just a literary device, it seems.

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37. Art is supposed to elicit an emotional response. Cardigan Blues has obviously done that. It gets my vote due to the direct comparison that popped out to me, which is the corporate world is exactly the same as Nana’s Cardigan boys. Corporations are people too! Haha. When Harriet breaks them up by mentioning their individual names it hurts because what most corporations do is take advantage of everything (environment, weaker companies, its own employees) to make a profit (or maintain its popularity).
    Pretty sure Nana didn’t really intend his story to draw that comparison, but it does for me. See for yourself … if you can manage to come up with another parallel, great.
    Offbeat is a narrative that has been done a lot and while I do feel some of the emotions the pro tag goes through and it is well written it lacks certain (pun)ch. The envelope may have actually receded a bit. Sorry Jeanie.

38. Wo wo wo .. SUGGESTION : Dans l’état actuel des “débats” [!].. Ne serait-il pas “fair”
    d’arrêter de voter, comme des dingues (!) chacun pour sa chapelle ? Il me semble que sur un score EX-AEQUO, ce serait une finale vraiment SUPER !?

39. This is what is wrong with the cardigan story.

    Cardigans? Cardigans? An amateur error. Should have gone with turtle necks. More like a penis you see (well except for Jewish ones). Wannabe rapists in phallic metaphors. Zing. Just imagine how poignant that would have been.

    Problem 2. Back seat of car erotic hijinx are inferior to front seat erotic hijinx.

    3. Heffer? The morons call her ‘heffer’. Failed opportunity. They could call her ‘big mama whamma’ or ‘rolly polly bouncing ball’. Always alliterate literary wannabes. Have I tought you nothing?

    Also why ‘orange puke’. You should have used blue – it would be more aesthetically pleasing and make the reader wonder, ‘what did he eat for dinner’. Confound your reader. Leave ’em guessing. Breathless.

    And this is what is wrong the Offbeat Keogh story.

    First of all a Mandarin? A mandarin? Don’t you know the best hotel stays involve strawberries. Or at bare minimum some agonized Buddhist chanting.

    But that’s a minor mistake. Later you say ‘his erection is a conundrum’. Brilliant. A mystery. But you don’t tell us the answer to it. Is that for the sequel? Imagine we never found out who killed Lord Edgeware. Agatha would never have been a bestseller.

    Also, third, what’s the story with the loudly bouncing soap? Is it really soap? Or is it something about the bathtub. Or the bathroom acoustics.

    And later, this heroine thumbs through the bedside bible then in the next line ‘fatigue makes a last call’. This wench is bored by the bible. Heathen harlot.

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40. I think I should address the the topic of rape culture or the way my story is presented , hopefully for the last time.

    One comment said that they love their mom and ex and this story made him angry for them. Many also express the shock, anger or general feelings they felt from the story toward the narrators. I have not yet seen someone comment that they thought the narrators were “cool” or correct in any way. I have however seen numerous comments expressing some sort of passionate reaction to the story. I genuinely feel that is the power of the story. For most, it made them feel angry about a situation they thought that it wasn’t fair. They are right, it is not. They thought Harriet didn’t have a voice, they are also correct because the narrators must do all they can to keep her quiet, and we see how much power she has over them in the name calling section.

    I heard a great comment about how the “We” makes it difficult for readers to disengage and it makes it feel even worst to be close to such horrible acts, this too is an important element of the story. I does challenge the reader to make the right decision which is aversion to the we, which is them. The narrative of the story with the inclusion of the We puts you in a character like Logan’s position, you know better but you seem to be following along with acts you know are wrong.

    I truly think that the story does not promote Rape culture because the most vocal about the story have expressed their detest for the possibility of it doing so after reading. Because they know better, and I like to believe most readers do. I do like that it compelled strong feeling which I think is an important aspect in any story.

    The subject matter is difficult and painful and that is the reality of the situation. Life is not always balanced and fair and everyone doesn’t always get to speak. Sometimes you only hear one side. And when it the negative side you hear only it is up to you to make a decision from there.

    Again, I do understand the closeness and sensitivity some feel but the presentation of the content, in my opinion, does in no way promote what is written, it describes and brings to the light but never promotes, at all. I think the comments show that.

    1. Nana.

       Respectfully I can see that you are trying to do something challenging by addressing this issue. I can feel the emotional reaction of rage and frustration you sought to elicit from your reader. In no way am I diminishing your talent in inciting those feelings. But the rage is muddled and not righteous and clear. As previous comments have stated you have a voice and you will go far with some reflection on the criticism you’ve received here.

       However I still have a problem with the crafting in your piece, in that by saying we are meant to follow along with a character like Logan, who knows it is wrong but is playing along anyway, is akin to saying something like “well he was just following orders” or “just conforming” (so were the nazis) and the narrative voice feels to me like you are letting him off the hook. He did it but he knew it was wrong so that’s ok right? Look at how bad he feels, he puked orange something or another. But ultimately this is still a participation in rape culture, and without giving a clear contrast by providing a strong sense of Harriet’s voice, Harriet’s inner tragedy at having suffered this assault, plays right into the rape culture’s habit of silencing the victim. I don’t think it’s enough that you say she isn’t supposed to have a voice. That feels like a cop out or at the very least a missed opportunity. In the end it doesn’t matter what the intent is. What matters is what the reader, your end user FEELS, and I didn’t feel like these boys changed at all. There is no sense of character arc save perhaps for Logan but your collective narrative voice which is so clever and hooks us so well in the beginning of the story diffuses the tension when it matters, when your protagonists had and missed the opportunity to really feel their monstrosity, and where you missed the opportunity to show us that realization, and by extension feel anything but abdication. More rape culture. Turn a blind eye.

       Contrastingly I intrinsically felt the pain and circumstances of the narrator in ‘the offbeat’, her entanglement and helplessness in the face of it is tragic, in the Greek sense of the word. Its romeo and juliet in the tomb scene, we are screaming for them to wait a second longer, to change the narrative even as we know its impossible. “If you do x it will work out. if you reach out to him you can fix it” but the foundations of character and history that has been laid out forbids it. She is aware of it but can’t help herself. She still loves dude and we see why despite the fact that he is broken, perhaps because of it – but we dont judge him (at least i dont) and it is that hint of things unsaid but felt that personally hooks ME and that is why Jeanie will continue to get my vote. This to imho is quite a feat of accomplishment in a short story and kudos for hitting that note Jeanie. We see and more importantly FEEL the struggle, the polarization, the fight against this obstacle of ‘she should know better’ but she can’t quite tear herself away. She pursues something and fails. And the strong narrative voice lets you in to that world and gives what the reader craves all along: vulnerability. Which is far stronger than revulsion. I’m voting for what I liked better, despite the obvious talent of both contenders.

       Best of luck to you both.

       1. I felt like the Cardigan narrator was less let off the hook and more didn’t learn (feel) what he was doing was wrong. All the characters are one dimensional because that’s the way they are … to try and give them complexity when they are basic, want-driven beings who can’t think for themselves would be counter to the story’s impact. Harriet speaks volumes, imo, she knows all of them by name and when vocal appeals don’t work she speaks a language she knows ‘We’ understands. Very few sexual assaults get reported, so Harriet’s silence is also realistic and as sad as the one-dimensional assailants.
          The narrator in Offbeat is written to be more complex because that is really all that drives the story. The fact that the narrator realizes she shouldn’t go back to the disease riddled man is not enough to get my vote in this round. Feminism is hopefully well beyond the turmoil of the narrator in Offbeat, but as feminists are individuals it would not be ‘wrong’ for the narrator to choose the alcoholic. I see charismatic, broken men win over intelligent women all the time and it is also sad. Which is far more tragic than the ‘happy’ ending of Offbeat.

          1. Not interested in getting into an argument about it. Besides which i dont really agree with you/still think its a cop out…what are we doing here anyways…Criticism of criticisms? This feed has jumped the shark. I was… I still don’t buy it, it just feels like spin to me and bottom line I just liked the offbeat better. That’s MY personal preference.
             Ps. I don’t really think that’s a happy ending either.

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41. Good spin, I don’t buy it fully, but perhaps you really din’t intend how the story came off. Not at all.If it as in your mind, some of these intentions, why not actually write it in ? Nana you are an intelligent man. That should be enough to win it. When in doubt, and regret, spin to win.

42. I find it amusing the suggestion that Nana doesn’t understand his own story. I also find it interesting that the comments have focused on his story and sparked so much debate and emotion about what it makes people think and how it makes people feel. I kind of thought this was the point of reading…

    1. Emily, I think people read for a lot of different reasons. See my comment in the first thread above.

       By the way, I adored your story and totally thought it deserved to win over the first version of Muscle Man (which I really liked in its re-write, though). It was hilarious and absurd and I totally was swept away with your loopy narrator (hey look, another reason people read).

       1. Hey Joe. I think you are pointing out here that taste in writing is subjective. A fair reminder. Since both stories are clearly making people think, and feel, my suggestion that Nana’s story has been the only one doing this was unfair. I do think his story pushes those buttons a little bit harder, providing more opportunity for interpretation and discussion, which is something I look for as a reader. Thank-you for your review of my story, it is much appreciated and I’m especially glad you found it funny. But, in the words of the crazy-cat-sweater designer on Project Runway who was recently voted off, “My aesthetic isn’t for everyone and I’m okay with that.” The two stories that deserve to be in the finals are – and what a neck and neck battle it’s proving to be…

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43. If Jeanie wins it will be because people couldn’t confront the notions that rape happens, cliques are part of life (including the misplaced ‘rape stories are gross horde’) and high school extends well passed graduation sometimes. It’s actually kind of intriguing that Nana’s story will be proven correct if he loses, as group think usually triumphs, unlike in his story.

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44. The amount of reaching being done here is astronomical. I’m sure some of you are the same people who would finishing reading Poe and be shocked, angered, or surprised– just because the ending was unfair or it wasn’t what you wanted/expected it to be. Nana, your story has elicited so much emotion and bewilderment that people don’t even know what to do with themselves. They are choosing to criticize your integrity as a person because there is nothing else they can think of to chastise. Keep up the good work and best of luck!

45. I’m going to be honest: I skimmed through the previous comments but I did read both stories twice. I have a such a vivid image of both stories in my mind because I think both authors did a great job with descriptions and scene setting.

    Cardigan Blues: I think the subject matter can be translated to multiple different contexts, someone above mentioned it reminded him/her of the corporate world but for me I thought about my job. I work directly with legislators who (although a long ways from high school) still use the group/gang mentality when passing legislation which will affect more than just the small minority.

    But I digress… Cardigan Blues makes me feel. Many things but the most important thing is that it made me feel. I felt for Logan and Harriet. Obviously much more for Harriet. I felt disgust for the lack of individuality but isn’t that what we have in our day to day lives? People who don’t know how to act as individuals. Groups of people who act as bystanders and watch or join in as terrible things happen.

    This story also brought issues about womanhood to the forefront. As a die-hard feminist, it made me cringe when a very small few girls “mattered” and others didn’t. It’s sickening but it is today’s reality in many places around the world.

    My only issue with your story Nana is the brevity of it. But this is a short story contest, isn’t it? lol

    My question for Nana: what if any larger aspects were you trying to touch on with your story? I saw a lot of comments about rape culture and I do realize the connection between sexual harassment, assault, and rape and it is easy to identify that this was both harassment and assault. I don’t think this story has a winner/loser but what was your goal? As a reader am I on the right track based on what I stated above?

    The Offbeat:

    I have to be honest I was a bit bored in the beginning of the story. I expected more action between the two characters in the beginning of the story. You set the scene so beautifully with the shower, his erection, and her seemed to be loneliness. Maybe I’ve read too much Fifty Shades but I would love to have read more of a climax (no pun) to that scene.

    Towards the middle and end of your story I felt a connection to the female character. I kinda felt bad for her because he seemed so insensitive and unconcerned with how his behavior was hurting her. If you had to pick a protagonist… Who would it be?

    I enjoyed how you closed the story but I wish you would have developed the characters more. I could assume that they once had a relationship and his alcoholism along with their lifestyle put a damper on that but I feel like once I got into the groove of the story and became attached to the characters, it was over.

    Great job to both authors. Although, I’m voting for Cardigan Blue’s … Nana and Jeanie are both superb writers and obviously much more ballsy than half of us commenting on this forum… So much that they’ve placed their own works online to be ripped apart by a bunch of Anons. But the story i enjoyed the most was Cardican Blues. I’ll check back in a few days for any responses but until then, good luck!

46. Ah! Finally Jeanie is ahead, where she belongs!
    I am fed up with these comments about “is it good or bad to write about rape and blah blah blah”. Every author writes about what he wants.
    This final is about which story is best.
    And there is only one answer to that question, as far as I am concerned. When I have to chose between exciting kicks or subtle, intelligent quality prose, I know what I like best…

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47. I read both stories…both authors are “writers”…both stories affected me. Strongly. Both took me where I have not been. I have also read all the commentary. Some of it misses the point, some of it is to the point. My point is about “writing” and not nationality or race or even subject matter. Subject matter can disguise a larger (different) point. Anouilh’s Antigone is not about Antigone, but about France under Nazi Germany. Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice is neither about Antonio nor about Venice. It is about England at that time (and race (not Jewish) problems in London). But this is beside the point also. “Cardigan Blues” addresses a topic that we’d like not to have to look at too closely. Nana uses the POV of his narrator to explore a dark side of the human psyche that exists in all of us, that our enlightened selves decry and push against and reject, knowing that if we are to have a social order of any meaning and quality we cannot give it shrift. I see “Cardigan Blues” as a story about values. It is shocking and repulsive because the “cardigan” characters including the narrator, are shocking and repulsive. I did not want to keep reading it, and only did so in order to decide for whom to vote. I take it that, by author design, Michael is not meant to be a sympathetic character. He and the cardigan boys are bullies, and eventually shown to be hollow and lacking in values that we, as readers, hold. That gives it some redeeming quality. Harriet is the sympathetic character, not as victim, but as heroine. We root for her. We cry inside for her. This story is an anti-hero piece. Inverted. I think purposefully. The question is, does it work? As a piece of writing craft? Literature? And how well? It turns out that Harriet is the hero(ine). But I do not know her like I do the narrator. I identify with her but I do not know her like I do the narrator. This is one, for me one of the story’s weaknesses. It has others. One memorable phrase comes to mind that grabbed me: it’s been cited earlier. “We are the top of the totem pole and the hand that carves it.” But it is not enough. It does not rescue it from its other problems. It is, while raw and powerful, gut compacting emotional, predictable. It does not have enough variety, surprise, change of pace, or turn of phrase to be brilliant. But it is good. Is it good enough to get my vote? What about Jeanie’s story? “The Offbeat” is offbeat, the relationship is not only off beat from my own personal life experience, the characters are off the beat too, not just missing their cues, but no longer singing the same song. As I said in an earlier post, Jeanie’s poetic, surprising, lyrical yet edgy punchiness marries form, style and content seamlessly, and transports me deeply and immediately inside her character…thinking what she is thinking, seeing what she is seeing, off balance, and never knowing what is going to come next. So which piece of writing do I prefer as writing…which characters do I want to read more about…While Nana’s male protagonist narrator is compelling, when the story ends I am done with him. I don’t want to know more of him. Harriet, I would. Jeanie’s protagonist narrator on the other hand I’d love to know more about, know what happens to her next. All in all, I have to agree with JoSchmoe, for literary quality (use of language, form and style) Jeanie’s “The Offbeat” is the better piece. I find it to be a truly first-rate piece of writing about musicians and music that aptly combines lyricism, melody, rhythm, syncopation and variation of dynamics that gives it its own music…a tone poem in its own right. Congratulations, Jeanie. Congratulations, too, to Nana. You both deserve to be here. Jeanie simply deserves to win.

48. As a friend of Jeanie’s I admit to initially only reading her piece before voting. I was won over easily by what I felt was a wordsmith frolicking within a subject matter she, and I, are all too well familiar with. I did however finally read Nana’s piece, due in great part all the slander that’s been bandied about in what has unfortunately amounted to a popularity based competition that seems to have brought out the worst in some. I am glad I did. From what I digested, his story in no way “glorifies rape, misogyny and violence against women”; rather, I believe the opposite to be the result. His is a very well penned, beautifully empathic and vulnerable satire shedding light upon rape culture by providing us with the voice of the skewed rational behind it’s perpetrators. I find it extremely disconcerting that anyone could interpret it as anything other than that. I suspect that many have failed to read past what they view as egregious flag words before rushing to judgement. Nana has handled himself with great poise and decorum while slogging through the sad bile that makes up the current ambiance of the comments section. I can’t imagine that I’d ever be able to muster the same maturity under such a slew of wholly unwarranted bullying in the comments section. I really cannot fathom how anyone can view Nana as anything less than a kindred soul in Feminism’s tireless quest to quell the pervasive rape culture he has been erroneously accused of being a party to engendering.

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49. I have been reading the comments through the last round as well as this round and I have seen that people can conjure arguments with every bit of phrasing an author uses as well as any stylistic flavor.
    My opinion can be utterly bias and therefore dismissed to many, considering I am a writer. I do feel the need to put my credentials out there in order for readers to deem my opinion valuable or invaluable.

    That being said, these deep analyses (and also relatively shallow ones) have at least restored my faith in that there is a populous that attempts to critically think. But in these analyses there are very personal deductions. These personal deductions, these accusations against Nana only amplify his talent as a writer. Nana has engaged readers enough that they are enraged- accusing him of glorifying or supporting something as if his story is of his own standing/opinion. If anything, Nana, take these slanderous words as a double-edged sword because though many are saying hurtful things, you have convinced and frustrated people to incredible extents with only one piece of writing.

    As for these enraged people with their wild and sometimes well-worded assumptions and accusations, you have to understand most writers. “Cardigan Blues” gives you a perspective. It takes you through the minds of someone other than yourself. Because you cannot relate to a thought process does not mean it is incorrect. The concise phrasing and sentence structure gives an initial lack of depth. A lack of depth that is so prominent in these characters lives that it becomes difficult for a reader to truly emphasize with or understand these characters. That is the point. There is no glorification of anything in this story. I confidently believe that very few writers enter the realm of story-telling with an agenda to glorify an act, event or belief. Writers enter their character’s mind while writing. Writers are the vessel used to harmlessly shed light on different perspectives that us, as self-concerned beings by nature, tend to overlook due to complexity of circumstances and emotions. There is no advocacy in these stories. Maybe some writers have agendas to push but in my own personal experience, we (writers) have an ability to access multiple conflicting and corresponding perspectives with wide eyes and blank minds. Therefore, we are compelled to use our abilities to magnify these small fragments of day-to-day interactions or widely controversial events in order to possibly expand a reader’s personal opinion/perspective.

    These comments have taken so many things out of context. These comments have not been smack-talk in any sense of the way because they have devolved from the basic standard of respecting an opponent. You can not reconstruct a building if there are fifteen bulldozers knocking down every bit of progress you make. Basically, these off-the-wall comments concerning advocacy for violence and racial slurs have made no strives in any sort of direction except down. I’ve watched this turn from a competition into a place where angry souls drop their heavy waste. But, it seems, most comment sections become that- more pathetic and less productive.

    Have a nice evening everyone and please attempt to extract emotions before attempting to constructively criticize anything.

50. I liked the stories. The one about the guy with the fun drinks was jokes. The one with the fat girl was a tale of passion. I reads them to my son and he cried. Diaper change or not, now THAT is something that father time will emphasize. Any leads on job?

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52. I’m curious what the authors think of each other’s stories.

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53. Please, please, PLEASE stop promoting Alcoholic Culture with your drivel!

54. Thanks so much for asking, JoSchmoe. I’ve been waiting for you sweety. Intently. Intensely. In truth I am a big fan of Nana’s. I am not, however, as is witnessed within the corroded carcasses of my poisonous ramblings, very much a fan…

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55. Hey! You’re not Jeanie! I’m Jeanie! No fair!

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56. Oh, yes, sorry real Jeanie.

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57. That’s okay fake Jeanie. Good night fake Jeanie.

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59. Nice to see some calmer, more relaxed critiques, good ones! Crappy to see a couple of trolls taking up space with nonsense…. Edward, congrats on mastering cut and paste – SO MUCH nicer than just your crayons, don’t you think?

    “promoting alcoholic culture” ??? WTF??? shooo trolls, shoooo

    ooops sorry I forgot – DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS

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60. Real quick before I head to sleep,

    I think the Offbeat displays great imagination of language. I think that it sometimes is almost preoccupied with making sentences beautiful and I feel as though in parts it is overwritten. When I say overwritten I mean that a sentence is constructed beautifully but sometimes it feels excessive because the sentence seems to be just there as something pretty to look at.

    The story is cerebral, which I like, but I don’t know if a great deal of mental space was traversed over the course of the narrative. From beginning to end I don’t know if I feel as though there was “movement” and that made me feel a little as if there was something more to the story I was missing.

    What was in the story was written beautifully, but my main problem was that I felt more language than story in the Offbeat.

    1. no, Nana, the art of Jeanie’s word play is integral to the story…it underscores it, illuminates it, it’s jazz riffs off the straight beat (you have none, your story’s all in four four time)…it’s music … to which she has woven many subtle (your story has none of that) references… it’s artfully crafted, well structured, and when you finish you are breathless and want more. I wanted no more of your story. Your story is tough, it is dark, it is brash, it is good. Jeanie’s is coy and quirky and intricate and rich in humor, and very fine. The music in it is, in part, the story. Well woven.

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61. CANADIANS SMELL LIKE BACONNN!!!!!!!!
    But honestly, Nana’s story takes the cake. It was gripping. Who doesn’t prefer a story so sweet like syrup instead of something so lousy; so stale like sawdust. Sorry Jeanie try again next year. You played hard lol

62. Go Jeannie ! To me your story is simply more developed, well crafted and enjoyable to read. I don’t read to get shocked about things I know about, like bullying and sexual assault, something too many of us, knew enough about in high school… That style of writing tends to get old after a certain age. Going beyond my personal distaste for Nana’s story,it’s content, and the flat one dimensional way in which it was written, I was bored and kind of new what was coming, after the first 2 paragraphs and only read it all to be objective. Jeannie’s story is simply more unique, hip, intricate and better written, and it inspired me to want to know more, and care about the characters, which makes it the one I voted for. To me there is no comparison.

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63. But, I must add, that Nana does show better promise as a future published author, whereas Jeannie seems to have pigeon-holed herself into the role of superfluously linguistic parlor nag, relegated to writing torrid tales for other self-absorbed, complainy curmudgeons. I love her though. I admit to not really understanding the layered meaning of Nana’s narrative. But that’s my own foible. I take things at beyond face value.

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64. Both stories suck. I’ve wasted my time on this site, and I’m angry. Angry enough to rape an alcoholic. See what you people have done. God help us all.

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65. Frankly, upon reading the stories, I was impressed by both writers. There is a reason they’ve both come so far in this competition. It seems as though many of the commentators are taking into account their own personal feelings on the subjects in question, but do not adequately take the time to absorb the tales being woven. The world is full of enough drivel supplied by professional authors, trashing aspiring ones isn’t going to rid the world of bad writing. Take this for what it is: an indie contest. Read both stories with an open mind and choose the one you like best, regardless of its content. To that end, my tie-breaker is the fact that blood is thicker than water.

    Good luck Jean.

    Dave

66. Nana, love the story. I like some of the deeper points (pun intended), such as the sophomore throwing out his sweater while the other tolerated the blood. The entire story was generally captivating and well written. Despite its setting, the messages seem to apply further than high school.

    Jeanie, I also enjoyed your story. The narrator had many internal struggles that were interesting to read. Your characterization of a “rock star” seemed to fit the stereotype, which came off as cliche honestly. Also the plot seemed to move slowly and was mildly nonexistent. The focus was much more on the thoughts of a desperate housewife-wannabe. Though I enjoyed your story, it was not as captivating. There didn’t seem to be any deeper meaning and was not thought provoking. Though I appreciated reading it, it isn’t getting my vote.

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67. interestingly bizarre comments Ellie 2, though this one was fun “superfluously linguistic parlor nag, relegated to writing torrid tales for other self-absorbed, complainy curmudgeons”… loquacious even… I must have gotten into the whine…zzzzz

68. The roller coaster ride is coming to an end. I liked the many twists of Jeanie’s cleverly laid out track. I was fearful on the steep plunge of Nana’s deep descent. Both good rides but I opt for surprise and exhilaration over a straight run where I can see the end coming from the start. Jeanie, girl. Go go. Come on folks…give her your vote.

69. Just read both stories (Jeannie’s for the second time) and there’s no doubt in my mind that she deserves my vote. It’s a story … things happen, epiphanies are reached. Nana’s story is two-thirds brag, one-third sophomoric misogynist rant. I found it distasteful and unenlightening and i truly hope that blinkered point of view is not rampant among young college males. If it wins the Deathmatch, the Deathmatch is not for me.

70. I wonder how the comments section might be different if folks had to include their first and last names and a picture before they posted?
    I’ve been thinking a lot about this. See, there’s no risk to make up a fake name and hurl insults at either writer. Much like the male characters in Nana’s story, its easy to hide in a crowd and say and do loathsome things.
    But if you had to stand up and be recognized for your words, if you had to be called by name, how might your words change?
    Like I said, just something I’ve been thinking about. It takes a lot of guts to be this vulnerable. No matter what the outcome of this match, both of these writers should be proud for standing beside their work.

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71. Jeanie’s story is better by a long shot. Well said Greg Blee. I couldn’t agree more, so much so that I will repeat your sentiments “Nana’s story is two-thirds brag, one-third sophomoric misogynist rant. I found it distasteful and unenlightening and i truly hope that blinkered point of view is not rampant among young college males. If it wins the Deathmatch, the Deathmatch is not for me.” And truly, I wouldn’t have even finished Nana’s underdeveloped, , insensitive snorer, because it simply didn’t make me want to read on. Also, I had an idea what might be coming – that he was trying to get by on hooking base emotions and shock, vs. actually writing a story that was original, complex and offered something worthwhile to consider, but I wanted to be objective. Beyond the style and substance of Nana’s piece of… “writing”, Jeannie’s is actually well written, intriguing and made me want to know more.

72. Jeanie – props to you for sitting through this round with so much attention being focused on Nana. You are a very talented writer, I enjoyed your story completely, and just about threw up with writerly jealously over the line “Tonight is still in its package.” Perfection. There’s nothing really that needs tearing apart. In this competition, however, there are elements to Nana’s story and approach that are simply more compelling and which generate topics for debate.

    After reading Nana’s story, and the comments, I actually spent an evening with Emily over dinner talking about all the issues it raises, and the responses it has elicited. Which, to me, is the most exciting thing about a piece of writing, or any work of art – that it makes you want to discuss it. Makes you feel something. Makes you want to know more. Pulls you in. I’ve read plenty of trash, hundreds of easy and complicated stories in various forms, and completely agree that it’s important to have all kinds of writing out there. But what elevates a piece of writing to art, for me, is the response it engenders in others.

    For those of you who feel his story is disgusting, and are outraged on behalf of the women in your lives: it is disgusting. Please do continue to be outraged. But be outraged for the reality of the world we live in, that this level of harassment and assault are things that the women in your lives have to deal with. If you’re a woman lucky enough to escape, for your entire life, any kind of sexism, harassment or violent assault, bless your heart. That simply has not been my experience or the experience of any woman I know.

    This is the kind of story I could see being discussed in a classroom somewhere. And I hope, very strongly, that Nana isn’t negatively impacted by some of the insane comments, or (I’m sorry) sheer stupidity of some of the readers here who don’t understand what he’s trying to do with the voice, POV, etc. I appreciate how he’s stood by his story – there would be no art if the artist was swayed by the observer.

    1. I couldn’t have said it any better myself “Emily’s BFF.” NaNa’s story leaves room for discussion, whereas Jeanie’s story is nice….that’s it, nice! Ok so now what..I go about my day and forget about it! NaNa’s story does the complete opposite and that is why it is FANTASTIC! Can you tell where my vote is going?!

       GREAT JOB NANA…AND SORRY YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH FOOLS. NOTICE HOW MANY DID NOT DEBATE OVER JEANIE’S STORY BECAUSE IT IS IRRElEVANT; IT HOLDS NO GROUND!!!!

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73. Jeanie, you’re a writer. End of story. I want you to win this because I want some kind of establishment to hold your feet to the fire as you struggle toward longer-form fiction. I’m curious to see what you can do.

    Nana, I salute you for sticking to your guns: confusing Humbert Humbert with Vladimir Nabokov is a well-worn critic’s mistake. Don’t let the parallel swell your head: I think your story is missing a dimension. It’s like “A Clockwork Orange” minus the vision and language. You’re good at invoking emotion, but don’t focus it or direct it. I don’t know if you could tackle less sensationalistic content and still make it compelling. Your writing deserves to have gotten to the finals, but not farther.

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75. Vote for Nana! Cardigan Blues!

76. Vote for Jeanie…coming down to the wire…vote for the best written story…twists and turns and tumbles and wit and word play and wow, language that takes flight…integration of style and form…vote for Jeanie!

77. Upon reading both pieces at work I can say I will be putting my vote to Nana. Jeanie’s story was good, but I don’t see how people can say it’s compelling and original. I felt many of the detailed elements were rather stale or cliche. At times I felt that she might have been playing it safe, with more than one occasion of flopping on segments. Leaving her story I didn’t connect to anything nor were there any moments that stuck. Going about my day I just didn’t care for it. If she wins, then congratulations to her. But Nana’s story definitely gave us something to think/reflect about. And as an artist of sorts, that is what I look for. Good luck to both of you.

78. The Offbeat rocked it: its original, playful, lyrical twists and turns kept me curious and entertained until the end, and made me want to know about what happened next. I would look forward to reading more of Jeanie’s work. The Cardigan Blues ? Meh ?! Subtle as a kegger (frathouse beer binging blowout). The style was unappealing and it lost me early. If not for the comment feed, I wouldn’t have even known about the repugnant ending, because it was too predictable and uninteresting to finish. I knew something either violent or sophomoric was coming. It is the beginning of something, but just not developed enough to work for me. Perhaps a few more writing courses could help teach Nana how to polish it into a more complete work ? I don’t need to be shocked to feel, thanks.

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81. CLEARLY…THE WIN WILL GO TO NANA….THE ONE WITH THE BETTER****** STORY!

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    1. Nana’s story has a more sensational and more horrifying subject matter than Jeanie’s, but writing about a deeply emotional topic does not in itself mean the author is a better writer, or that writing, or the story, is automatically good, or better, or brilliant. The writing of a story includes the author’s manipulation of language, structure, literary devices, and to meld them so form and style and content are seamless and one. Jeanie’s story achieves that far far better than does Nana’s. Jeanie, therefore, shows herself to be the better WRITER, in this instance.

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83. Wow so many of these comments are harsh. Made the mistake of browsing them before reading. I must say both pieces of work were great. I couldn’t really relate to many of the points in Jeanie’s story, but I tried not to let it cloud my judgement. I had to go with Nana’s story though. I feel the themes and issues that were brought up were very raw and hard to look at. Cardigan Blues helped highlight what millions of people are going through today. I think that is totally a piece that can be discussed for hours and hours. I’ve seen in talked about here in the comments (After you sort through the mindless voters from both sides. Good luck to both writers!

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86. Hey Moderator, I am having serious issues with being able to vote on my phone since both writers reached the 10 k mark. The format of where the boxes are placed is messed up/moved and it is very confusing as to who’s Vote box is who’s, and in fact when I just voted on the box I thought was Jeanies, only Nana’s score went up. Is there a way to address this issue immediately? Thank you.

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87. I am so glad that the Offbeat, Jeanie’s better story: beautiful, detailed, intelligent, evocative of former love affairs as they disintegrate… I want to read the next chapter, Jeanie, lease write it. I was upset by the fake Ellie, somebody wrote under, but it has brought up a good point. It is obvious to me that this has likely happened again and again, by somebody lacking in sensitivity towards people and a lack of maturity or integrity. I have read back at posts that seemed unreal, and ones that caused sympathy towards Nana, and it is obvious, the emotional manipulation. Which is what his story is… I hope that people see through this, and vote for the more developed, enjoyable, inticate story. Without this comment feed, Jeanie would WIN EASILY I THINK.

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88. If Jeanie wins it’s because people like to play it safe. Point blank. Taking into consideration where these people are in their careers, Jeanie’s story should have taken the reader somewhere farther than into the musings of an aging woman filled with pity for the man-child-ex-lover she’s wasting her life babysitting. I honestly thought this story would take me somewhere past a pathetic string of hope, which is what I anticipated, but it let me down. As a woman, that POV just bores me; and furthermore, upsets me. Jeanie’s character is weak in willpower. Nana’s story pissed me all the way off. I had to put it down and come back. But, something that moves me in a direction is better than something that doesn’t move me at all. Nana’s writing is younger than Jeanie’s because he hasn’t had as much experience writing as she has – but his story is, at the least, a true story, with a climax and resolution. I’m a feminist, I’ve seen movies and read stories about sexual abuse/harassment/rape, I’ve spoken with survivors, and I’m a survivor myself. Nana’s POV was relatively new to me, to be completely honest, and while it angered me, it’s something worth reflection. His story is simply of high value than Jeanie’s. Prose, poetic language, etc., comes with time – but the ability to capture an audience and write something compelling is innate. Hat’s off to you Nana, whether you win it or not.

89. I’ve been following Deathmatch since Round 1, pouring over both stories and associated comment sections. My hat is tipped to Broken Pencil for fostering some very interesting conversations about writing, life, the universe and everything. I never thought such meaningful commentary in an online forum was possible.

    That being said, I simply don’t trust any ‘pro’ comment about Nana’s story to not be written by Nana himself. From ‘God’ to ‘Nellie’, and all the ‘anon’s in between, it’s been interesting how the pro-Nana voice has been consistent through the Rounds: mostly, deflecting the criticism about significant points raised in writing subject and style by instead personally attacking the age/sex/perspective of Nana’s opponent. I’m happy to see in the final DM round that Nana is responding to the writing and tone questions. There is a lot to unpack in his story, because I think with such a story, and coming from such a young writer, there is that responsibility (as others have said) for the writers to help navigate readers to understand the reasoning behind and in the story. This either comes out in the story, or in the public spaces which surround it.

    If the unreliable narration from the story is also present in the DM comments as I suspect, it makes me less inclined to support Nana’s story (no matter how much I like it, and I do) because I don’t like having to fight a writer to get an understanding of the story from them, and because there is something profoundly uncomfortable for me to think of a writer, sitting alone in their house, pretending to be other people to support themselves and level criticism at those who dare to defy. Call me an idealist, but I prefer story-writing that seeks truth and honesty. Nana, I think you fully grasp the power of this comments section as part of the contest, but it is also part of your story writing, that public forum around your product. A brilliant tactic for DM, yes, but why feel the need for smoke and mirrors? It leads me to think that while perhaps, Nana, your development as a writer has not yet caught up to your writing. Is there such thing as literary puberty?

    Nana, I think your story is like a large pair of shiny, alligator shoes you still need, as a writer and as a person, to grow into. Jeanie, your story I feel is like a finely-aged wine sitting in Margaret Atwood’s cellar: perfect for sunny Sunday afternoons, but not the Monday Night Football scene. Both stories and this whole Deathmatch make me glad I’m alive and literate. Now if only the admins could fix this pesky voting button issue….

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    2. What if Oakley is just Jeanie?! Or half the other people offering similar praise?! Hmmm yeah does sound just as stupid.

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    5. We don’t know and we can’t know. Only Nana knows for sure.

       I’m not claiming all comments are, because that is absurd. But I fail to see how my claim is idiotic: rather, it seems a pretty logical tactic to employ when competing in Deathmatch, in which success in the contest is based partially on writing craft, social networks, and public opinion. Why *not* maintain the integrity of the writers’ personal voice, while employing other voices to manipulate the discourse to capture that ‘swing vote’ of readers not affiliated with either camp? When a contest is not just about two stories, but instead becomes an epic struggle between old and young, men and women, Canadians and Americans, good and evil, look how the votes fly!

       My feelings stem from observations of the tone and language in the Nana versus not-Nana-but-pro-Nana throughout this contest, and how and when these voices were employed through the comment section. It’s easy to avoid responding to hard questions being asked of your craft when that comment is buried under comments which attack the criticism and lead the conversation down another trail. When ‘God’ starts making comments in a writing contest where one of the competitors opines on his ‘Believer Theory’ philosophy in other forums, flags get raised. I’m not interested in McCarthyist trials here, but simply raising it as a personal observation of the entire contest.

       No hate! But then you’ll have to take my word for it.

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90. There’s only thing worse than an idiot is one with an idiotic opinion that he/she feels the need to share.

    1. This was meant as a reply to the above comment.

91. Hmm, Nice to see Jeanie up by 500, gotta keep voting for her better writer, more creative, multi-faceted, compelling story… I hate to say it, and maybe all the strange posts I have seen have made me cynical, but how long before we have a (fake) racist post, and then pop, up comes the race card (as Nana brags about out there in the public domain. Or maybe, some false feminist post, with a woman talking about the well developed, thought provoking flat simplistic almost RAPE story… the Offbeat isn’t designed to manipulate your base emotions… it’s actually a beautiful piece… far from generic, but nuanced and enjoyable, may be even autobiographical ? Can’t believe that Nana or one of his friends fake posted under my name… still upset about such manipulative cheating 🙁

    1. Hard to understand what you were trying to say. To many straw-man arguments to sift through. Might want to work on that.

    2. Ellie, your subjective comments offer little to no value to the writers. It’s already been reinforced this round but the scope of this contest extends beyond the stories’ subject matter. You say you read all of Cardigan Blues to be objective. I have yet to see a comment with some sort of unbiased babble. Please spare me from reading your attempts of making critiques of either story.

       Ellie’s ‘arguments’:

       “This story is beautiful! 😀 That story is negative and insensitive to women. 🙁 Her writing is enjoyable! YAY!! He’s cheating, commenting under false names. Boo.

       Your accusations have no credibility here. To believe with such certainty that someone would waste their time commenting under “fake” names and fabricate opinions is almost as laughable as the attempt to make others believe it without supporting evidence.

       Now excuse me while I be all hipster cool and continue “celebrating life and what is positive”. Yay!!! Or is that impossible if I occasionally enjoy reading dark and gritty stories.

92. Just read Oakley’s post which echoes mine (and my “identity here was taken, so I ain’t no hater)… and all “they” respond with to his comment, which is well considered and obvious, is “idiot”… where’d Lashley disappear to ? A troll like that would continue his attacks, it is an anonymous forum, after all ? Cheating like that, taints the contest… but Nana is very young… Oakley, what he said, I agree with “there is something profoundly uncomfortable for me to think of a writer, sitting alone in their house, pretending to be other people to support themselves and level criticism at those who dare to defy. Call me an idealist, but I prefer story-writing that seeks truth and honesty. Nana, I think you fully grasp the power of this comments section as part of the contest, but it is also part of your story writing, that public forum around your product. A brilliant tactic for DM, yes, but why feel the need for smoke and mirrors? It leads me to think that while perhaps, Nana, your development as a writer has not yet caught up to your writing.” Absolutely. Just hope the best woman wins…

    1. Also good points. But I wouldn’t consider it ‘cheating’; rather, misleading and running counter to a writer who is supposedly engaging truthfully and honestly with the subject matter of his story. I don’t begrudge, just observe. Jeanie could be doing the same thing, but I don’t get the same flags raised, so I’m more inclined to trust.

       1. Because it’s too difficult to believe in the integrity of a young black man. How dare you insinuate that people commenting are alternate accounts. How pathetic you must think this man to be. To hell with the both of you.

93. I honestly dont understand how the story on the right can have so many votes. It’s good…for a bedtime story. There’s no plot. Its boring. The story on the left is realistic it catches you I can visualize the charecters. Yes she gets raped but she’s not the first and it wont be the last person. This stuff happens everyday. People need to stop being so sensitive these are real life issues. I’m still voting for Cardigan Blues every hour because I think it was beautifully written

94. What I just posted, which is being moderated, is a photo of Nana in a stylishly photographed picture, in a cardigan, in a bathroom, with a bottle of booze, gripped like a weapon. Additionally, a video, showing two different characters, one similar to Carlton on Fresh Prince, another badboy gansta… additionally, his tag line on his blog:
    “I got this, f*ck these, haters f*ck these hoes” /// Follow me @NK_Adjei /// Twitter

    All relevant. Because people have been voting for him based upon his revisionism, and believing that he was taking a broader view. If he wrote Cardigan Blues, based upon his personal viewpoint, and experience, I think readers should know.

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95. Please, stop it. You are coming off as ignorant for
    several reasons
    1) The picture you are referring to is part of a series of pictures taken to promote
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    2) the tag line to the blog is a quote from a song that is about overcoming people that wish you harm.

    3) that video was made to highlight the ignorance that got Trayvon Martin killed.
    I will post all these things when I get access to a computer

96. Hmm, Nellie, Nana, I predicted that the race card would come out, so thanks for saying that. Ethics have zero to do with racial background. That Nana is a black man, is irrelevant. I have friends of many racial backgrounds. Have had several very close black friends. Vancouver doesn’t play that black/white racial divide, like NYC does, we are extremely multi-cultural. But good pushback move, lol… you are so transparent. That Nana thinks it’s hip to promote himself, in a photo, dressed in a cardigan, in a bathroom, with a bottle held in a threatening manner, acting like ONE OF “THE CARDIGANS”, and a photo of a woman in the same men’s room, is insensitive, definitely not written with the later intention, he talks about on this feed… and talking about bitches and hoes on his blog and in Twitter, is relevant. It’s relevant to the people who voted for him, thinking that his story had deeper meaning… and to the dozens of women who read his story, and were reminded of their own painful experiences. There is a huge feminist population in Vancouver, where women aren’t intimidated so easily, Nana, er Nellie ?

    1. Not Nana. called myself Nellie to parody your name. Your ignorance is showing.

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97. Ok so what was the point of bringing up the YouTube video. You are digging into my character making claims that are completely baseless and kind of random. The pictures illustrated the narrative, that’s it. The fact that you genuinely think that those pictures were made to intimidate woman is , frankly , dumb and worse it takes away from Jeanie and her more reasonable supporters . Please stop digging so hard , stop reaching – it makes you look desperate.

98. Because I’m curious I genuinely want to know why you bought up the YouTube video. Please expand on how that video suggests that I do the things in the story , also please post a link to the video so ppl can see it.

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       1. No, that would be me, i have been spreading his story through my blog with 14K followers, and my facebook pages asking people to vote HONESTLY, all together 25K people.

          I dont have any affiliation with them in any way shape or form.

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99. Nana, I tried to post everything that I spoke about above, but the moderators wouldn’t allow it for some reason, otherwise the information mentioned would be “out there” for discussion. You may have a good explanation. I don’t know you. Maybe you’re just playing, maybe you didn’t mean harm, and just don’t get that sexual assault is nothing to joke about or make light of ? The photos are of you wearing a cardigan that is expensive and fits well, and you have several others. Why you ? Why not several white guys modeling them, like in the story ? It is all curious. Nana, the fact is that you wrote about a subject that is painful and traumatic for a high percentage of women in society, in what many who have written on this feed, considered to be an insensitive and callous manner, and continue to avoid and attack others. You could have taken the opportunity to NOW speak about the topic in a mature, sensitive, and considerate way. Such a conversation would in no way take away from your possibility of winning this, or show weakness. If anything, taking responsibility, showing sensitivity and inviting positive debate, might have actually made you appear to care, and improved your image and chance of winning.

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100. Hello, This is Jeanie. The actual Jeanie, sorry I couldn’t figure out how to sign in under the Deathmatch thing. You’ll just have to take my word for it. I also rather like the idea that some of you will think this is not me when it is, given the bizarre claims made above.

     I spent a lot of time thinking about Nana on International Women’s Day. I also think alot about my mom on Father’s Day. And when it’s Black History Month I think about East Indians. Forgive me, I must be culturally dyslexic.

     While 99 per cent of us claim to not be racist, and would even be vehemently offended if someone called us that, there are many things about someone’s culture that we would not see as racist, but which are. For example – most of us believe that a young black man must identify with the horrid rap on the radio about gun wielding pimps and hoes. A woman wearing the veil must be subserviant and uneducated, a Jew must have a lot of money, be six degrees of separation from Hollywood, and be neurotic and paranoid. And so begins the paradox of having black friends but still “wondering” about a black man or “being unsure about the hidden motives of” a young black man that we don’t know.
     By way of example, I am going to be 100 per cent honest and say that Nana’s nationality, age, style, race (not a complete list) influenced how I interpreted his story. I let myself say, I don’t like him. Does that make me racist? Maybe no more than it makes me a nationalist or an ageist or a feminist, but it is still part of the way I relate to him, non-racist that I am.

     We would all like to say that it was a confluence of factors, which is what we all use, all the time, to judge each other, and in this case, judge Nana.

     This is our internal dialogue – okay so you are black, what KIND of a black person are you, educated or not? From Burundi or from Atlanta? Were you adopted by a white family or did you live in the ghetto and become a self-made man?

     We use these judgments until we know a person.
     And then, once we know them we allow ourselves to say “I am not a racist”

     So what’s to be done about these “filters” that we use as a cultural barometer to assess characters we DON’T know?
     The biggest problem is that some people have one filter – this person is black, I know what I think of them.
     Add a layer – this person is a black MAN, I know what I think of him.
     And so on.
     The problem that takes much longer to get rid of are the people who think they have lots of other filters to judge someone’s character (age, social status, level of income, etc) when really, they are just like the person who has ONE filter, they just have better ways of convincing themselves that they are not racist. And I’d like to do away with these people because being white, I might not have a clue whether they are racist or not because they hide behind accepted stereotypes. It’s subtle and clever, but it’s still racism.

     Where am I going with all this? Nowhere apparently.
     Read the stories, leave INTELLIGENT comments and vote.

     1. A note on the above – please replace racist/racism with any other ist/ism you might have – sexism, nationalism, ageism, etc. Read it using the said replacements.

     2. I couldn’t agree more. Great insight, and thank you.

        1. Not only insightful but honest and humble and honest and realistic and honest. A writer has to be honest to be a writer…honest about themselves and the world they see. I see better where you are coming from, Jeanie, as a writer. Thanks for that.

        2. Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular article!
           It’s the little changes that will make the biggest changes.
           Many thanks for sharing!

        3. When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox
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     3. I don’t even know where to begin with unpacking all the different layers of wrong in this post, Jeanie. So I’ll keep it short: you are HUGELY mistaken in thinking that there’s a whole lot of “us” or “we” who see things the same way you do.

101. Jeanie wins

     1. Not just yet!

102. damn why are people reaching so hard. these negative comments sound like something you’d see from conspiracy junkies. they don’t realize that even though they’re spewing b.s , its still having negative results on people’s view of Nana & his chances of winning. Some of you need a reality check if you really think his story is over the top or anything that we don’t know. Instead of thinking hmm there has to be some twisted evil reason he wrote this the way he did, why not take it for what it is. & just so you know when i read these comments i’m picturing them coming from a whiny @ss condescending voice. You don’t sound smart or logical using eloquent words to bring somebody down. Its like taking a sh*t & spraying perfume on it.

     Anyways now that I’ve ranted enough
     both stories were good reads,
     i thank the people who made a lot of constructive comments that i agreed with. I think some of them actually will help the writers with progressing. which should be the main goal of these comments

103. Lovely, illustrious words:

     “Tonight is still in its package.”
     “His words are sounds trying to stand on new legs.”
     “A Hansel-and-Gretel trail of clothes leads from the bed to the bathroom.”
     “He peels the wrapper off a tiny octagonal soap and it comes off in one piece, like a perfectly-peeled mandarin.”
     “He would organize my curls into coiled springs and fiddleheads, taking on the project like it was a daunting, but highly important task.”
     “…the jealousy comes on like period cramps in my heart.”
     “When he lifts his head away, he leaves a greasy smear that reveals a fossil-like imprint of his hair.”
     “A thundercloud on the horizon lets out rain, grey bleeding from it like sludge from a can of black beans.”
     “He lifts his orange batons in a Y, a grounded bird showing a big-winged beast how to rip through the bruised sky, and fly.”

     Jeanie, thank you for sharing your graceful story. xo

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104. Today is the final day to vote so I would like to put in some final say about the stories.

     I have been a “Cardigan Blues” supporter from the start but this round has made it difficult.

     I really appreciate the isolation in Jeanie’s story. Some people have made comments about the lack of story development but I think that is the beauty to Jeanie’s short-story as well as many. The setting is one isolated night that leads into morning. And although there is little “action” or traveling for the characters, the reader is taken through the emotions of it all. I truly enjoyed the tone of the female narrator as well. I did read somewhere in the comments that someone felt as if the narrator made women look pathetic but I really beg to differ. There is a very pseudo-aloofness to the narrator’s tone which I think really suits the relationship the character has been through. Jeanie’s crafted the tone perfectly with the concise sentences that are a bit choppy within the story. The coldness that you feel from the narrator captivates the reader into following through the isolated setting. The tone also relates to any human that has become tired of trying, tired of attempting to justify their reasons in a specific situation. Ultimately, all of this creates the strong female (or any strong human) that endures the ups and downs of anyone they love just to witness their loved ones be okay one day. I think that sort of loyalty, captured by the narrator is ultimate strength.

     All in all, Jeanie’s story really impressed me with the way I was able to dive into the narrators head. The slight taste of hope at the end and the way the narrator instantly reins her emotions inward, once she catches herself feeling anything but disconnect, ended the story really well. I really enjoyed such an isolated story.

     As for Nana’s story, I was instantly compelled and interested by the collective narrative. The undetermined narrator created such an uneasy feeling throughout the story which was ultimately necessary for the climax. Unlike Jeanie’s story, Nana’s takes the reader all over the world through the eyes of those wearing the almighty cardigans. I personally enjoyed the undeveloped characters. Not to say that they were UNDERdeveloped but there was a lack of development that readers are generally accustomed to seeing in fiction. I truly felt that this fit all the characters. Their actions, their mentality, even their high-school setting. Although the reader is not allowed the privileged of diving deep into the psyche of the “we” there is still so much learned about them through the observation of how they treat others and themselves.

     I also felt that the tone of Nana’s story did leave the reader slightly uncertain about the characters and their thought process, which worked well because that’s how these characters were valued and viewed. People worshiped those wearing cardigans due to their mystery and lack of depth. I loved all the concepts within Nana’s story. Especially, the power-tactics and dynamics of the main-characters.

     Both stories were incredibly well-done, the very reason this round has been difficult for me.

     Although, I must ask, seeing as how it is the final day I would like to ask both authors some questions: what the authors feel they have gotten out of being a part of DM? What they feel their stories have gotten out of all this exposure? And what they plan to do following the finish of DM?

     Thank you.

105. Katelynn,

     This is a loooonnnng question to answer and I am rather at a loss for words at the moment. I would be more than happy to reply in a week when I’ve had some time to reflect if you would like to contact me you may do so through the Broken Pencil team.

106. I am disappointed about the ongoing voting technological glitches to do with voting. Most of today, when I vote 2 votes tally FOR BOTH. What a shame. Moderato, any solutions, please ?

     1. It’s called LOADING – both sides have rustled up tons of online friends/voters, and there are multiple votes coming in per minute. Sometimes, if you click “vote” at the same time somebody else is voting, it’ll look like two.

     2. And sometimes when I’d vote for Nana, Jeanie’s would jump by 2 or 3 at a time. It all depends on how much people are voting for who at once

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107. Even though this is happening for myself, and other supporters of Jeanie, there has been no response for days, and somehow Nana is still catching up ?

     1. Nana is catching up because people are voting for him.

        I have experienced both loading issues and mobile voting formats changing. It’s not difficult to navigate around. You’re reaching in the dark right now.

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111. ***HARLEM SHAKING***
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115. Dear Nana,

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     9. LOLOLOL! How much reahcing can you do ma’am. He’s ahead because he has the support of his peers and countless others who favored his story over The OffBeat. Dont underestimate the power of determined college students+social networks. No cheating or defamatory comments required. I cant say the same for his opponent or her supporters. Dont be a sore loser. Have a coke, a smile and CONGRATULATE THAT MAN! Or you can continue to be mad..either way Nana wins and will prosper because he worked diligently and honestly for it. Stay strong though hahaha 🙂

        1. Haters!!!!! Congrats Nana! I worked over time these last few hours gettin friends of friends of friends to vote!

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119. ** YOU UNDERESTIMATED GREATLY **

     DRIZZY

120. SORE LOSERS ALWAYS PUSH ACCUSATIONS OF CHEATING WHEN THEY’RE LOSING.
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121. yo idiot how in the world would Nana cheat, check your head man.
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122. DRINKING EVERY NIGHT CAUSE WE DRINK TO MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS

     DRIZZYY

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123. I’M COPPING A METALLIC SUIT AND I’M GOING TO DO THE HARLEM SHAKE FOR A REAL WINNER

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124. Wow, what a finish! Now I know how football fans must feel when they watch the Super Bowl…

125. From the very beginning of this competition, Nana has been the target of many disgusting allegations and insults. Competitors have attacked his character relentlessly, and he has never broken his integrity to throw stones back at the peasants. Nana has a strong support group because of not only his fantastic talent of painting pictures with words, but also because he is a humble, upstanding human being who we(his friends) are extremely proud of. I do not, after reading thru weeks worth of comments, expect Jeanie & friends to bow out gracefully. Grace and tact have proved to never be your strong suit. But thank you. For a great competition, and untimely an even greater win for Nana.
     CONGRATS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     1. In all fairness to Jeanie, I think she’s turned out to be display exemplary sportsmanship. Much respect to her for writing a story worthy of over 15k votes and not reducing herself to much of the drivel her supporters have dished out.

        But yeah, glad Cardigan Blues made it through all the hacks and attacks.

     2. That is wonderfully put .. i couldn’t have said it any better!! I am so proud of him

126. I’M GOING TO BUY A SHAKE AND DO THE HARLEM SHAKE IN HARLEM

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127. The wolves have hunted. The pack eats well tonight. Epic comeback!

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130. And the United States will officially be annexing all land north of the 49th parallel between the states of Maine and Washington. We shall call this new land “CaNanada”. Congrats Nana!!!

131. The best always wins in the end, right?
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     Peace.

132. As usual, Nana is communicating through several characters. Always has. Has been manipulating opinion through different means, like this, for the whole contest, and disrespecting so many people, like JoShmoe and Jeanie’s sister, and I can only surmise that where he comes from, that passes for clever. A total lack of integrity is sad. Karma will show up, don’t worry. The server hasn’t worked right for days, and the leads you have overcome were huge, and done quickly, when supporters of Jeanie couldn’t vote. Straight up. No lie. Not a hater. I ain’t high… For two days, my votes have gone to both you and Jeanie at the same time, when I voted for Jeanie. No response from Moderator, which is also suspect, but who knows ? It is disappointing because Jeanie was ahead by almost 1000 votes, and then the voting didn’t work for myself, or many of our friends, and her supporters. I am not lying or making it up. What exactly have you won, by cheating ? Stone cold zip… Jeanie will continue on, writing brilliant well crafted, enjoyable stories, that appeal to peoples hearts. Quite the victory. I bet your momma is real proud of what you choose to put out in the world: adolescent woman hating, misogyny. You are the man.

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            {Superb|Exceptional|Outstanding|Excellent} Blog!|
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            {I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone loves} what
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            {Terrific|Wonderful|Great|Fantastic|Outstanding|Exceptional|Superb|Excellent} blog and
            {wonderful|terrific|brilliant|amazing|great|excellent|fantastic|outstanding|superb} {style and design|design and style|design}.|
            {I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone loves} what
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            {Howdy|Hi there|Hi|Hey there|Hello|Hey} would you mind letting me know which {webhost|hosting company|web host} you’re {utilizing|working with|using}?
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            {Thanks a lot|Kudos|Cheers|Thank you|Many
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            {I love|I really like|I like|Everyone loves} it {when people|when individuals|when folks|whenever people}
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            {Cheers|Many thanks|Best wishes|Take care|Thank you}!

            {Where|Exactly where} are your contact details
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133. And after all that’s said and done … more was done than said. CONGRATULATIONS NANA! BLUES GANG. BELIEVER THEORY. <3

134. Both parties wrote a great tale. Both are worthy of winning. In the end so many came together to offer support, but let us not forget the artist in front of us. Nana, Jeanie, I am proud of both of you. To make it this far. To stand by such amazing works. I can never say I could do the same. You both have gifts. SO I thank you both for your words. For now let us all celebrate for coming together in the name of writing!

135. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

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137. Baha! The comments section on this round is pretty much 98% shitshow, 2% workable criticism.

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138. Wait, are you implying that there was some sort of plan to high tech override the system and shut it down so that people who specifically came to vote for the other person couldn’t vote? Is that what your saying? When I received error messages (happened at least 8 times through the week) I restarted my phone or refreshed my browser and it worked. If this is the get out the vote strategy applied to the other story it makes good sense that you guys lost.

139. Jeanie’s supporters mobilized and voted, all over the globe, inspiring people with thousands of followers, through Twitter and Facebook. Why is it that hundreds of our votes didn’t count, when we were ahead by 700 votes ? Tainted beyond tainted… but people that wanna win by any means, don’t care. Wow, so amazing to win that way. Stone cold… you da maaaan… I look forward to reading your pulp fiction in the future.Nice sweaters ya got there, Nanananana,anonymos, Emily, Lashley, etc… what a frickin joke ! Jeanie could teach your college course with her mad skills sucka… I’m outtie… wipin the dust off my feet, and lookin forward… Hey mom and dad, I won a writing contest today, by playin dirty, and makin a bunch of college kids feel so baddddass… glorifying bullying and gang rape. Aren’t ya proud mom and dad ?

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140. Finally, to all the people who think they have an argument about Nana fabricating multiple comments under different names. Makes sense that he can send 3 comments at the same time does it? Simple observations like these can spare you spending a minute of your life writing foolishness.

141. David u mad bro… yeah u mad

142. I’ve literally seen people promo-ing him over every single social networking site I have (fb, twitter, tumblr, IG). And these are people with thousands of followers/friends. When I tried to vote for Nana and it told me server errors, you know what I did? I kept refreshing my page until those errors were corrected. Persistence is key.

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143. David,

     Do you know what you sound like? What makes Jeanie so deserving of winning? The best man won. So it’s okay to throw dirt at him and say he supports rape and bullying. But its alright for you (Jeanie supporters)to stalk his life on social networks that are irrelevant to the competition and use it against him and hoped that people wouldn’t vote for him. Seems to me that you’re the ones playing dirty. The racism and hate in this competition was so disgusting. You tried to do everything in your power to break Nana and his supporters. How about you take the “L” and be gone.

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        1. Why thank you Joseph 🙂

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145. Wow!

     No, that would be me, i have been spreading “his” story through my blog with 14K followers, and my facebook pages asking people to vote HONESTLY [hahaha], all together 25K people.

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146. oh crickets Jeannie? ha! congrats bro

147. And the win goes to the USA, not shocked lol.

148. Congrats to nana on an epic win…what a comeback kid…I will be following to see whats next for you, not cause im hating but because you are a rising voice, and i sincerely hope you get something out of this comments feed besides the posturing and back and forth bravado. I meant all my criticism to be as constructive as possible and I sincerely hope you see that.

     I have to say I am sad that it has resorted to gloating, name calling and accusations on both sides of this feed. Too much polarization and not enough compassion…two very different stories were presented that appealed to completely different types of people. Social networking played a factor, but so did technical problems that affected international voters and those voting from devices…hey all is fair in love war and deathmatch right?

     Jeanie regardless of what is said here you are still a winner in my book. You comported yourself admirably, stepping up to defend your opponent against some strange accusations, you inspired a tremendous following that eagerly awaits your next exploits, and you have garnered AMAZING exposure and raising 15000 (!) votes is no joke and nothing to be ashamed of. Something good will come to you girl. Believe it.

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149. Congratulations Nana on your amazing win! I started following the competition rather late in the game, but even at the point from which I picked up, it was easy to see that you were the underdog. I saw all of the malicious, disgusting attacks on your story, writing capability, and personal character. I also saw that despite all of the negativity you kept a sound head and did not stoop to the level of your adversaries, showing true dignity and class. The Bible says that, “if God is for us, who can be against us?” I believe that your win in this competition has given me greater insight and a deeper appreciation for this verse. Your victory has left me truly inspired. Nana, you are an amazing writer, but more importantly an amazing human being. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, God bless!

150. It might be a little late for me to be writing this but I just want to say that Jeanie you were an amazing competitor and the fact that our positions are not currently reversed regarding this competition is astounding to me. I really have no idea how we achieved what we did but, we did it. You and your supports should feel nothing but pride in how well you competed and how constant the support was.

     I want to thank the deathmatch for affording me this amazing chance to dance with wolves so to speak, to learn from other writers, to experience such a great amount of feedback in such a short amount of time. I have never been a part of anything like this and I suspect it will be a long time before I am ever under such scrutiny again. Thank you for the crash course in resilience and general stress management. It was extremely difficult for me and I am , again, grateful for this amazing chance.

     For those of you who doubt the integrity of this win – I cannot meaningfully address your claims because they are not supported by any evidence for me dispute. All I can say is, we did out best – try to respect that.

     Whatever is next I sincerely thank every one who provided fair insight, concern and support. I also sincerely thank everyone who hated blindly, accused falsely and wished the worst. You were the motivation throughout this crazy thing called the Deathmatch. Thank you all Spring Valley, Ramapo, Suny Alb and everybody else that carried me through this.

     I wish I had some amazing, clever little thing to say here but I don’t. I do however remember going though the comment section from the previous deathmatch and deciding I was not going to compete the way some others did. The Deathmatch is what you make of it. I might have been the most exciting winner of this but like I said before, I am not a performance actor. I do not do a lot of dancing. My advice for the next batch of gladiators- when the punches come roll with them. Keep your head down and keep marching, you might get where you’re going sooner than you think.

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     – Nana K.

151. I think i’ll stay away from the Deathmatch in future. It was not a pleasant experience.

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