One handwritten story photocopied onto plain white paper, a roomservice guy named Glenn decides one night to go to the kitchen and get himself something to eat, because it’s a pretty slow night and he’s hungry. While he’s getting his dinner, some terrorists arrive in the dining room and kill a bunch of people and take some others hostage. These aren’t your average terrorists. As Hamilton puts it, “The terrorizing terrorists were incredibly smart.” The head terrorist, a guy named Romano Drogan, calls the police on his walkie talkie and tells them he wants 5 billion dollars. Meanwhile, Glenn the room service guy is hiding in the dry storage room thinking up a plan. He tricks one of the terrorists into visiting the freezer, then slams the freezer door on his head five times. He sticks the hand of another terrorist into a meat grinder and before the poor terrorist can even scream, Glenn slits his throat with a potato peeler. The story goes on to tell how Glenn kills off the other 24 terrorists and finally Drogan himself. He cooks one terrorist’s face on a grill, crushes another terrorist at the top of an elevator shaft, impales two terrorists on the “little plastic swords” they had thought to put in the drinks they mixed themselves. At one point, 8 of the terrorists decide to “go swimming on their break.” Glenn disguises himself as a terrorist and “grab[s] a tank of gasoline.” When one of the terrorists asks what he’s pouring into the pool, Glenn replies, “Chlorine.” In the end Glenn bakes Drogan in the oven and then goes out of the building to face the thousands of people who are out there cheering for him. If you’re the kind of person who likes to sit around all day dreaming up different ways to kill people, you’ll love this story. And there’s a couple of pretty funny parts, like when Dave the bartender tries to take out one of the terrorists by shooting him “with a heavy stream of Ginger ale.”
zine / 21 pages / main creator: Glenn Hamilton / $? / 64 Broadbridge Dr., Scarborough, ON, M1C 3J9