Introducing Sarah Steinberg

Minutes from last month’s Bookaneer’s Book Club

By Sarah Steinberg

5:40 — Madame President pounds the table with her gavel and calls the meeting to order.

5:41 — Kim asks why Madame President is hitting her dining room table with a meat tenderizer. Madame President does not dignify the comment.

5:43 — Wendy asks the President, since when is she the President.

5:45 — The President reminds her that it was all formalized at the close of their last meeting. She also reminds her that the next time someone nominates themselves as President, Wendy should either voice her discontent or get over it. The President then points out that maybe her memory of the last meeting might be less foggy had she not downed five Bloody Marys.

6:00 — Meeting is temporarily adjourned when Kim’s husband Ted enters the living room and stuffs the last three cheese puffs in his mouth. “You know what you guys should read?” Ted slurs. “That one with the talking pigs. What’s-it? I saw the movie. Four legs bad! Two legs good!” Ted makes a pig-like noise.

6:03 — Ted is extradited to the basement.

6:10 — The President pounds her gavel and asks Andrea to begin with her thoughts on this month’s book. The President ascertains that Andrea did not read the book when she refers to Naked Lunch as a vegan cookbook.

6:11 — A show of hands is requested to determine who in the group has even read the book.

6:12 — Let it be noted: the President is appalled.

6:15 — Kim brings in her special baked brie log.

6:17 — Meeting is once again temporarily adjourned when Ted calls up from the basement requesting his dinner.

6:20 — President pounds gavel. Other important matters to be discussed: Are magazines OK for book club? Who will be hosting next month’s meeting? Should brie be officially banned as a book club snack due to its fattening propensities, particularly when baked with puff pastry and jam, then drizzled with maple syrup?

6:30 — Wendy suggests the notion of listening to audio books as a group. The President dismisses the notion, countering that audio books would take too long to listen to. Wendy, while pouring herself a third glass of merlot, brings forward the notion of speed listening.

6:31 — A limit on how much alcohol may be consumed during book club is proposed.

6:45 — Meeting temporarily adjourned for a third time as Ted is seen answering the front door in his underwear to accept a souvlaki delivery. “Well,” he calls back to the living room, “I got no choice but to feed myself if you ladies are gonna sit around talking about your vaginas all night.”

6:46 — Kim apologizes for her husband, pours shots of sambuca all around.

7:00 — A limit on how much alcohol may be consumed is vetoed.

7:15 — The President wonders if anyone else feels a little flush.

7:30 — The President proposes adjournment.

7:32 — Adjournment is temporarily delayed when Wendy interrupts the proceedings, demanding: “Who said you could do this churn meetings anyways?” The President helps Wendy sit back down on the couch. “Since when who ever you are supposed to be exactly anyways?” Wendy says.

7:35 — “Who am I?” the president asks. “I’m the president, that’s who.”

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